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FunTranscript
00:00I don't think there's anything in this jewelry store that Amy would appreciate more than the humidifier. We were just looking at it Sears. Oh
00:08My god now I know what I sound like to you when I say stupid stuff. Oh
00:16A pocket watch. Okay. I don't think Amy wants a pocket watch. No, but maybe she wants a man with a pocket watch
00:24Still saying stupid stuff
00:27Oh
00:29She like bracelets. Well, she's very fond of her silver one that says allergic to penicillin
00:35Maybe they have a dressier version of that
00:38Well, how are we doing this afternoon? We're looking for anything special. Perhaps a ring for the lady. Trust me. We are not a couple
00:45Excuse me. I don't see why you get to snort derisively and point that out. You'd be lucky to land a fellow like me
00:53Fine go ahead
00:55Trust me. We are not a couple
00:59Good morning, handsome morning mom
01:07It's me
01:11Yes, it is and you're so pretty in the morning
01:15Your mom and I need your breakfast Oh
01:18Wow
01:19So you guys are getting along? Yeah, I guess we're very different people Howard. So communications a little tricky
01:34Sir any butter butter flavored syrup
01:48I
01:54Don't need any butter if you want butter, I'll get you butter
02:02Well, I guess I'll cut these by myself
02:07Need to play with the transporter toy, but it's mint in box. Yes and to open it would destroy its value
02:16Consider this
02:18What is the purpose of a toy to be played with therefore to not play with it would be
02:25Illogical damn it Spock. You're right
02:30I'll do it
02:31Sheldon wait
02:34You have to wake up first, of course set phasers to dumb, right?
02:42Goodie goodie goodie
02:46This is wrong, this is wrong, I'm so excited but this is wrong
02:53I'm gonna do it. I'm doing it
03:04That's what I always thought 1975 smelled like
03:06One
03:11To beam down. Mr. Scott. Aye. Aye. Mr. Spock energize
03:21Energize
03:37Please don't be broken. What did you make me do?
03:43Okay, okay think
03:53It's only logical
03:55What do we start with maybe?
03:56Splicing some jeans a clone of sheep perhaps a grow a human ear on a mouse's back
04:06Well, I'm gonna be doing some brainstem histology while you put yourself on the business end of a sponge and wash those beakers
04:14Wash those. Oh
04:16I get it a little hazing for the new fella
04:19Yeah, better keep an eye out for what shoe polish on the microscope for mad cow disease and my grilled cheese sandwich
04:26No, I just need those beakers washed hippity hop quick like a bunny
04:30Excuse me. You have dr. Sheldon Cooper in your lab. You're gonna make him do the dishes
04:35That's like asking the Incredible Hulk to open a pickle jar
04:41Sheldon you've never worked in a lab like this before you have no experience in the field of biology
04:46I have plenty of experience in biology. I bought a Tamagotchi in
04:501998 and
04:53It's still alive. Let's do this
04:56Bernadette wants to get a prenup. Oh
04:58That's a shame. He's gonna be devastated. I never know what to do in these situations. Should I give him a heads up?
05:05Hmm I'm gonna give you the same advice. I yell at the TV when the bachelors handing out roses
05:12Follow your heart
05:15Check it out. Look at the size of that Rice Krispie treat same price
05:22Hey Howard, I need to tell you something I know it's not on my wedding diet, I don't care
05:26Oh
05:31Listen I heard that Bernadette's thinking about asking you for a prenup a
05:36Prenup
05:39Wow, what are you gonna do? I don't know follow your heart
05:47You
05:54Know what? It's not a big deal
05:57I'm she makes more money than me. She wants to protect her financial interests. It's completely reasonable
06:05Good, that's a healthy attitude. Yeah, I'm actually it's good for both of us. I have assets to protect to like what?
06:12I've got some rare comic books. Yeah, the Vespas almost paid off
06:17And ma and I have a primo double cemetery plot at Mount Sinai right near the guy who played mr. Roper on three's company
06:24Mr. Roper's dead
06:28You can't just bring that on a guy penny penny penny
06:37Hello Sheldon, what thank you
06:40What's up? I came to ask if you would like to go on a date with me
06:48I'm sorry. What a
06:50Date you and me dining dancing. Perhaps you'd like to take in a prize fight
06:57God are you trying to make Amy jealous?
07:00No
07:01Why is everyone so obsessed with Amy and Stuart and whether or not they may be having more pumpkin lattes or intercourse tonight?
07:10Okay, listen to me that playing games is not gonna help get Amy back I am NOT trying to get her back
07:17But out of curiosity, what is away?
07:21All right, honey, let me tell you a story
07:23There's a guy I liked and I never told him how I felt eventually
07:26He started going out with someone else and I always regretted it. Do you see where I'm going with this? I
07:32Believe I do
07:34I'm the guy
07:40You're not the guy
07:42Are you sure I would explain so much your constant presence in my apartment
07:48Baffling dalliance with Leonard just to be near me the way you call me, sweetie all the time. I
07:54Call everyone sweetie you tramp
07:59Look Sheldon, all I'm saying is strap on a pair and go talk to Amy strap on a pair. Wait. Go what skates? Oh
08:08Oh
08:10Sweetie you are so not the guy
08:13Amy's too busy. It gives the rest of you an opportunity to make my life easier
08:17That's assuring yourselves a footnote in my memoirs tentatively entitled. You're welcome mankind
08:24Just shout when you hear the task you want to undertake dentist
08:28Okay
08:34We can circle back to that one who wants to take me Wednesday morning to get new heels put on my dress shoes
08:44Anyone home that one had hoot written all over it. All right dermatologist
08:54Allergist
08:56Podiatrist
09:00Supercuts
09:02Okay, okay, here's a fun one
09:03I need a new picture frame and I have a hankering for Swedish meatballs who wants to spend the day with me at Ikea
09:13The meatballs are pretty good, what's that nothing nothing good your powers out too. How's that good?
09:20Because last month I sent the electric company a Starbucks gift card an apology note and a few snapshots of me in a bra
09:27Our failure implementing power failure protocol
09:32What happened all your glow-in-the-dark emergency exit stuff you had painted on the floor. Oh, that was wildly carcinogenic
09:40Too bad, you're no longer entitled to the full benefits of my friendship because I happen to be extremely prepared for such an emergency
09:47Please try not to see anything by this light
09:51It's not for you
09:53It's just a blackout I'm sure the power I'll be back on soon
09:56And I'm sure some fool in the Donner party said the snow would stop any day now. I
10:02Like to think they ate him first
10:05Yeah, I got some candles in my apartment candles during a blackout. Are you mad? That's a fire hazard
10:11No, Pasadena water and power recommends the far safer glow stick
10:16You call that a glow stick
10:24That is a glow stick
10:27Let's go before you go consider this not only do I have a deep cycle marine battery power source
10:33Which is more than capable of running our entertainment system. I also have all 61 episodes of the BBC series Red Dwarf and
10:42Fiddle faddle
10:44All yours if you're willing to reinstate the roommate agreement. I've got wine at my place and some bubble wrap we could pop
10:54Oh
10:57He'll be back wine and a girl in the dark he's gonna be bored out of his mind
11:02There are a million great vacations you could take. What about Hawaii?
11:06Hawaii is a former leper colony on top of an active volcano where the disappointing ending to lost was filmed
11:17Mahalo for nothing Hawaii
11:19How about Florida they got Cape Canaveral they got Disney they got my aunt Ida and the world's largest collection of diabetic candy
11:27Plus if you get sweaty enough her plastic covered furniture is like a flume ride
11:32My family took a trip to Florida when I was a child a seagull stole a hot dog from me on the beach I
11:40Got the message
11:42You know if I had a week off I'd go back to the two bunch Palms Resort and Spa in the desert
11:47I tell you and now on the massage table with Trevor and you feel like you were born without bones. I
11:54Don't think I could ever let a guy give me a massage really what was I doing to your neck last night?
11:59What are you playing Xbox?
12:04Living in a dictatorship you must take a vacation. You must have fun. You must enjoy life. I
12:11Don't think you have a good handle on dictatorships
12:14Okay, it's obvious having kids is really important to you, and I think I came up with a solution
12:20Really, that's great. What well seeing as how I make way more money than you anyway
12:27What if I work can you stay home with the kids?
12:31Me yeah, you know you watch Barney and pull Cheerios out of their noses and go on playdates
12:37And I'll work and have conversations with people my own age and enjoy my life
12:43Yeah
12:48Hey, so we're good. Yeah, we're good
12:54You know I don't know if this counted as a fight, but how about some makeup sex I
12:59Would love that but what is that behind your ear? Oh look. It's a condom
13:05I
13:08Want the last dumpling oh me do the penny a moment
13:12We just had Thai food and in that culture the last morsel is called the grange I piece
13:18And it is reserved for the most important and valued member of the group
13:29Thank you all for this high honor
13:32I've seen pictures of your mother keep eating
13:42All right, honey, if we're gonna make the movie we should go
13:49This may be hard for you to hear, but when I say honey, I mean my fiance
13:56Yeah, well now it means her
14:01If he wants to come
14:03Fine, but next time we get a sitter
14:06While he was telling you things did he mention he owns not one, but two Star Trek uniforms
14:12Really, yeah, where's them not just for Halloween?
14:17Hey pal
14:20You didn't see me telling Kevin that you thought Cold Wars were only fought in winter
14:26Okay, then I'll return the favor, and I won't tell Laura Laura that
14:31The Dirty movies you own are animated
14:39When you were telling Kevin about your acting career
14:42Did you mention your long-running role as waitress in a local production of the Cheesecake Factory?
14:49Did you tell her about your lucky asthma inhaler
14:51Oh, yeah spell asthma
14:56A s take me home
15:01Maybe I'm not done hanging out with
15:05You're right it's getting late the reaction I expected when I told you I was gonna be an astronaut
15:11What did you think was gonna happen?
15:14honestly sex
15:16Honestly sex
15:20Howard do you realize what a big deal? This is what an honor it is to be chosen to go into space
15:27Yeah, I get it. I just wish you included me in the decision. We're supposed to be partners. We're supposed to be a team
15:36I'm sorry you're right
15:39Let's try this again
15:42Bernadette an
15:44Opportunity has come up that impacts both of us, and I'd like to discuss it
15:52Okay
15:54I've been offered a chance to go up to the International Space Station for three weeks
16:01What are your thoughts on that?
16:03Well first of all thank you for including me in the decision-making process
16:09Hey, we're a team
16:12So, what do you think no
16:16Leonard check it out. I bought an Engage locomotive half the size of HO look fits in my mouth
16:27Sounds like you had a great night. I am
16:32How was yours not bad I had a lot more fun with Amy than I thought I would
16:36What exactly do you mean by that?
16:38Turns out she really knows how to help a guy loosen up and have a good time
16:42Although the truth be told my groin is a little worse for wear
16:52Why'd you do that to send a message she is not for you what not for you
17:02Hmm well cheesecake you're just as good as a woman even though I can't have sex with you
17:09Try throwing it in the microwave for a few seconds
17:16Should I use the restroom or wait until we get home come on Papa needs to void his bladder oh
17:23That's not what you want to see after three buttermilks
17:26You go boys, I'll pick it up when you're ready
17:29Thanks for dinner, buddy. Yeah real big a.m.. Hurry hurry hurry
17:35Oh, and don't cheap out on the tip we all know you're loaded now
17:39As hard as this may be to believe it's possible that I'm not boyfriend material
17:50Glad I was sitting down for that
17:53Did you and Amy get in a fight Amy had a fight I was being perfectly reasonable
18:00I'm gonna have a whiskey. Do you want anything?
18:03No, I can't I'm playing Grand Theft Auto later
18:09I
18:12Look I'm no expert in women. I'll say
18:17That's not necessary when someone's trying to help you sorry it's the alcohol talking
18:26Sometimes with women you want to listen to what upsets them and then show them that you can grow and change
18:35Nuts to that what else you got
18:39Hello mommy daddy, how are you pretty good can't complain. Oh, I'm sure you can just give it a minute
18:48Listen
18:49There's something I want to talk to you about I I wasn't ready until now, but I think it's time
18:56It's finally happening. You're coming out of the closet aren't you?
19:00We love you, and we accept your alternate lifestyle just keep it to yourself
19:05I'm not gay if anything. I'm metrosexual
19:11What's that? It means I like women as well as their skincare products
19:16Well, if you're not coming out. Why did you call us during the cricket semifinals?
19:21I'm tired of trying to meet someone and I think I'd like you to help me find a
19:28a wife
19:30And just to clarify a female wife
19:33Female wife
19:35Yes
19:38Matchmaking very smart move son much better than marrying for love
19:47We married for love and it's been wonderful
19:53To the dungeon is a moss-covered door you managed to open it only to find yourself face to face with a hideous
20:00Foul-smelling moss-covered ogre. What do you do? I say hey ma. What's for dinner?
20:1117 the ogre is amused by your joke and allows you to pass
20:17Goodbye, Dubai. I liked it, too
20:22I'll go the wedding plans Howard great spent five hours last night at Macy's registering for gifts
20:27Looks like I'm finally gonna have that darling little earthenware asparagus dish. I've always wanted
20:32This is the good thing about having a girlfriend
20:359,000 miles away I can spend my nights doing whatever I want
20:38I mean like playing nerd games with us and then taking a suspiciously long shower
20:46Maybe
20:49We enter the dungeon
20:52You see a dragon
20:54Really so we're playing Dungeons and Dragons and we walk into a dungeon and see a dragon
21:00Not a little on the nose when you play chutes and ladders, do you complain about all the chutes and all the ladders