SNL Weekend Update 3/ 8/ 25 Saturday Night Live March 8,2025
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00:00Thank you very much, thank you, good evening, everyone.
00:05Welcome to Wicked Update, I'm Michael Shea.
00:07I'm Colin Jost.
00:08Well, tomorrow marks the start of daylight savings time, when we set our clocks ahead,
00:17ideally four years.
00:24After President Trump spent last week defending our historical best friend Russia, Trump turned
00:30this week to attacking our sworn enemy, Canada.
00:35That's right, those syrup-guzzling, poutine-munching, moose-humping hockey sluts have taken advantage
00:43of us far too long.
00:46Even right here at SNL, American sketch comedy jobs are being stolen by filthy Canadians.
00:56President Trump addressed a joint session of Congress and claimed that no president
01:00has changed government faster than him.
01:02Yeah, and nobody changed airport security faster than Bin Laden.
01:08President Trump also said that he signed an executive order to ban men from playing in
01:13women's sports.
01:14But if men aren't allowed to play women's sports, explain soccer.
01:18A lot of soccer fans at the Gaga show.
01:26Education Secretary and WWE co-founder Linda McMahon, who's the one on the right, said
01:34that closing the Department of Education would not hurt students, and actually, test scores
01:39might go up, maybe even as high as 69.
01:47After imposing tariffs on Mexico and Canada on Tuesday, President Trump reversed them
01:52on Thursday.
01:53It's a cunning political tactic experts call bipolar disorder.
01:59President Trump said the tariff on goods from Canada is to stop the flow of fentanyl, even
02:04though last year only 40 pounds of the drug was seized at the northern border.
02:0940 pounds?
02:10What's that, like two buttfuls?
02:11It's like two buttfuls.
02:12I thought it was smart.
02:22Experts say that President Trump's tariffs will raise the cost of a new car by as much
02:26as $12,000, or you can get a free Tesla since people are throwing them away.
02:32Speaking of which, Tesla CEO and white Kanye, Elon Musk, wore a suit instead of a jacket
02:49and t-shirt to this week's cabinet meeting after President Trump made fun of his clothing.
02:54It's a refreshing reminder that bullying still works.
02:59On Thursday, Elon Musk's SpaceX Starship exploded just minutes into its mission, which
03:05is how he ended up with all those kids.
03:08It was reported that the leaders of Great Britain and France have been coaching Volodymyr
03:18Zelensky on how to deal with President Trump, kind of like how you need extra training to
03:23be a special ed teacher.
03:27And this is exciting, Donald Trump Jr. is reportedly considering a run for president
03:36in 2028.
03:37Yeah, yeah.
03:38And if you don't think he could win, you clearly aren't familiar with how things work here
03:45in hell.
03:46The NBA season is heating up now that we're a month away from the playoffs.
03:53Here to discuss is NBA champion and ESPN commentator, and always outspoken, Kendrick
03:58Perkins.
03:59Hey, how you doing, Michael?
04:00I like that jacket, man.
04:01You look like your mama dressed you up to go apologize to the vice principal.
04:02All right, let's talk some NBA.
04:03So the craziest news of the season is the Dallas Mavericks took one of the league's
04:17best players, Luka Doncic, and traded him to the Lakers.
04:20Why did they do that?
04:21Oh, now, there's a lot of questions about this here trade, but folks on the inside know
04:27Luka Doncic is hurt, okay?
04:28Luka Doncic.
04:29Now, I'm hearing rumors that he got a small tear in his anterior crustaceous uterus.
04:35I ain't no doctor, but by my estimations, I believe he gonna be dead by April.
04:43Why would you say that?
04:45Look, hey, I just be saying things, Michael.
04:49Steve and Nate Smith, he just got $100 million to go on ESPN every day and talk nothing but
04:54nonsense, and I want a piece of that, too.
04:56All I gotta say is things like, oh, Larry Bird was created by scientists in the back
05:01of a cracker barrel.
05:02I don't think that's right, man.
05:04Hey, maybe not, but you gotta admit, man, I know the game.
05:10I be watching like four, five hours of tape every night before I take my beard off and
05:14go to sleep.
05:15All right, well, let's talk about the MVP race.
05:18Who you got?
05:19You can't count out the legendary LeBron James, a man who, despite being 55 years old, just
05:25won the Tour de France.
05:26Where are you getting this from?
05:30Nobody knows, but it's amazing how LeBron is still able to play every night.
05:37He's 62 years old.
05:38You just said he's 55.
05:39I know.
05:40That's my point.
05:41LeBron is 71 years old.
05:42He has one arm, 12 kids, one of them is black, and he works undercover as a French super
05:55spy.
05:56The name is LeBron, James LeBron.
05:57James LeBron.
05:58James LeBron, man.
05:59Mark my words.
06:00Luka and LeBron are the best black and white duo since them Jewish cookies.
06:14I don't even know where to start, man.
06:18All I'm saying is the man is old, okay?
06:21Hell, LeBron and I are the same exact age.
06:24Let me tell you something, getting older ain't pretty.
06:27Michael, you ever sneeze so hard, an old Cheerio pop out your nose?
06:31No.
06:32You should try it.
06:33That's why I sound like this.
06:34You know, I wasn't going to bring this up, but Charles Barkley called you an idiot this
06:39week.
06:40Ooh, do not get me started on that Charles Barkley.
06:45He makes me so mad.
06:47You know what?
06:48I'm sorry.
06:49I'm feeling a little hot right now.
06:50That beard's not even real?
06:51I already told you that, Michael.
06:52I'm crazy, man.
06:53Hey, look.
06:54I look like Daffy Duck when he shoots his beak off.
06:55This trick hurts his every mouth.
06:56Hey, carry the hell on, man.
06:57You gotta believe this, man.
06:58Daffy Duck?
06:59Hey, baby.
07:00Scientists hoping to revive the extinct woolly mammoth have taken a first step by genetically
07:01engineering a long-haired woolly mouse.
07:02Now it's on to step two, getting it drunk enough to have sex with an elephant.
07:03Hey, you know what?
07:04I'm sorry.
07:05I'm feeling a little hot right now.
07:06That beard's not even real?
07:07I already told you that, Michael.
07:08I'm crazy, man.
07:09Hey, look.
07:10I look like Daffy Duck when he shoots his beak off.
07:11This trick hurts his every mouth.
07:12Hey, carry the hell on, man.
07:13You gotta believe this, man.
07:15a long-haired woolly mouse.
07:17Now it's on to step two, getting it drunk enough to have sex with an elephant.
07:25The makers of Sesame Street announced that they are laying off more than 200 employees.
07:30The layoffs were first reported by this sign.
07:35It's hard out there.
07:40It's hard out there.
07:43In honor of Women's History Month, Mattel is releasing a line of Barbie dolls that celebrates
07:47female friendships.
07:49And maybe they're such good friends that they kiss?
07:52Amazon Prime has launched a new tool that will use AI to dub movies into English from
08:02foreign languages like Spanish, Korean, and Sylvester Stallone.
08:09New research suggests that men with stronger sperm may live longer than men with weaker
08:14sperm.
08:15So you know what that means.
08:16Dick Van Dyke busts rockets.
08:24An Australian man who was credited with saving more than two million babies by repeatedly
08:29donating his blood has died at the age of 88.
08:32Doctors pronounced him dead when they heard this sound.
08:48A fired Starbucks manager is suing the company, claiming he faced egregious discrimination
08:53from gay co-workers for being heterosexual, while his gay co-workers said he should sue
08:59Old Navy for selling him those frumpy ass chinos.
09:09Plastic surgeons are saying that a growing number of women are having labia puff surgery
09:13on their vaginas.
09:15And fun fact, labia puffs was also the original name for honey smacks.
09:29Well, tonight's host and musical guest, as you know, is of course Lady Gaga.
09:36Here to lend his support, making a rare public appearance, is Lady Gaga's husband, Lord Gaga.
09:51Thank you, Colin.
09:52How splendid did my wife look during her song.
09:56I wish she dressed like that on the estate.
10:03Wow, this is wild.
10:05You know, I had no idea there was a Lord Gaga.
10:07Of course there is.
10:08How do you think she became a lady?
10:10She married a lord.
10:12That's how she became a Gaga.
10:14Whereas I was simply born this way.
10:17Great, uh, why haven't we ever seen you with her?
10:28Well, I'm terribly busy with business, running the Gaga textile empire, and truthfully I
10:33don't want to overshadow my wife.
10:36I really don't think that you would, um, you must be very proud of all her accomplishments.
10:40Well, I'm glad she has a hobby.
10:47I think it's more than a hobby, she's one of the best-selling musicians of all time.
10:51Is she now?
10:55They like her, well good for her.
10:58You didn't know that?
11:00No, I'm terribly busy with business, but we're very happy.
11:04It's certainly not a bad romance.
11:11Okay, um, I guess I'm curious, how did you two meet?
11:14She was playing piano at a debutante ball, you know, where teenage girls are presented
11:20to their father's widowed friends to marry?
11:23You've been to those.
11:25Yes, yes, you have, you're lying if you say you haven't, Golden.
11:30Well, that year's offerings were subpar, but the dazzling girl behind the piano caught
11:35my eye, so I made her my wife, and now we have seven gorgeous children.
11:40You have seven kids?
11:42Yes, seven little monsters.
11:48And Golden, again, thank you for indulging my wife's hobby and letting her sing on your
11:52little talent show.
11:54Okay, I actually think she's indulging us.
11:56Your wife is very successful, sir, she has 14 Grammys and an Oscar.
12:00And does she not?
12:03Wow, what a feather in her cap.
12:06If only it all paid, eh?
12:09I think it does, I think it actually pays a lot.
12:14Well, it certainly can't be more than what textiles bring in.
12:18Can you imagine, Colin, a man whose wife makes more money than he?
12:25Can you imagine?
12:29Oh, the shame he would feel.
12:34Imagine, Colin, if I was sitting here, on television, behind this desk, staring at that
12:44camera, the world staring back at me, knowing that my wife's income dwarfs my own, I would
12:55die.
12:55Oh, oh, oh, oh, I would die, what a living nightmare, what a nightmare, oh, oh, oh, I'm
13:12sorry, oh, now tell me, what does your wife do?
13:16Lord Gaga, ladies and gentlemen.
13:17Can you imagine?
13:18For Weekend Update, I'm Colin Knoost.
13:21I'm Michael Curry, goodnight!
13:22Goodnight.
13:25Goodnight.
14:25Goodnight.
15:25Goodnight.
15:27Goodnight.
15:55Goodnight.