A brave Derbyshire domestic abuse survivor has shared her experience. (Credit: Derbyshire police)
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00:00You know, I used to say to Kevin all of the time,
00:02I don't want to be with you.
00:04And he'd basically say to me,
00:08tough, if he couldn't have me,
00:10nobody else was gonna be able to have me.
00:13I made peace with the fact that I was gonna sit in abuse
00:18until one of us died.
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01:03Narcissistic abuse is,
01:06it does the worst things to your mind, you know.
01:09You generally believe it in the end,
01:11but then when it's paired with financial abuse,
01:15physical abuse, sleep deprivation,
01:19they really know how to keep pushing
01:22and, you know, get you to the point of,
01:24I'd give up completely on myself.
01:26There was no fight left in me whatsoever.
01:29He always made me feel like he was cleverer than me.
01:32But whatever I did, he could counteract it, you know.
01:37There was no getting away from him.
01:40He wasn't done yet, so that was the end of it.
01:43When people all sit there and say,
01:45oh, you know, the first time somebody lifts a hand,
01:48the first time somebody crosses a line,
01:50you know, the first time people do these things,
01:52that isn't necessarily the case,
01:54because it is constant, and that's how they do it.
01:57It's constant insults, it's constant put-downs,
02:00it's constant control, it's constant fear.
02:04There is no...
02:06There is just, there's no get-out of it.
02:09That's how you feel at the time.
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02:17He had a way with people.
02:19People always thought he was amazing,
02:21he would help my mum, you know.
02:23Oh, I'll give your mum a lift, she's not very well to the hospital.
02:26Well, yeah, well, of course I'll look after the kids
02:28while you go and look after your mum, you know,
02:30and he'd make everybody know that he'd done these things,
02:33and, you know, so he'd portray himself in a better light.
02:38Because he was very good like that around other people,
02:41that made it even harder for me to go to people and say,
02:44this is happening, or this is happening,
02:46because, number one, I was too scared of him,
02:49and number two, he's already telling them that he's really trying.
02:53And then if I'm going to say, well, actually, he isn't,
02:58it's only me that's going to get the consequences in the end.
03:02So I think that's really important as well, you know,
03:05if somebody's coming to you and they're saying,
03:07you know, I've been with this man now for a long time
03:09and I have three children now with him,
03:11or however many children, you know,
03:13I'm telling you I don't love him.
03:15So why are you sat in that situation?
03:18That is the first question, you know,
03:20if somebody's going to share that with you,
03:22why are you sat there with him?
03:24And because I can guarantee there's a bigger reason for that.
03:29We don't sit in places we don't want to be
03:31unless we haven't got a choice.
03:34It was always OK for me to have friends for a little bit.
03:37This was an included family as well.
03:39There's lots of family that haven't really been around me over the years
03:42that now we have back, and, you know, which is amazing.
03:46But over the years, they wasn't around us because he didn't like it.
03:49There were certain people like my dad.
03:51He didn't like my dad being around us
03:53because he obviously seen them as a threat.
03:55So I think it was OK for me to have friends for a little bit.
03:59He didn't like my dad being around us
04:01because he obviously seen them as a threat.
04:03And every friend I made
04:06or any kind of activity I wanted to do or anything was OK
04:10until it wasn't OK, and then I was expected to stop.
04:14And that was earlier on.
04:17By the later years, nothing was particularly OK.
04:22I used to still try and, you know, go out for my sister's birthday
04:26or, you know, with my friends
04:28and very quickly on, I learnt that there was just no point.
04:32There was no point in me trying to do any of them things.
04:35I'd be accused of everything.
04:37He would take my phone
04:40and I'd have to sit there while he read through every single message.
04:44As the time went on, he had the biggest obsession with me having my hair cut.
04:50My hair was always an absolute state.
04:54My sister would buy me a hair voucher for my birthday or for Christmas
04:58because she'd be like,
04:59''Louise, why aren't you having your hair cut?''
05:01And I'd be like, ''Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no.''
05:03Because I knew the minute I went home with cut hair, it was just awful.
05:09Over the 14-year period, I think,
05:11if I had my hair cut three or four times, that was quite lucky.
05:15I couldn't wear certain clothes.
05:17If I brought anything that was maybe a little bit more revealing,
05:21and I've never wore too revealing clothes,
05:24or if it was like, ''Well, where are you wearing that to?
05:28Where are you going to wear that?''
05:30That was the issue.
05:31Why am I buying that?
05:32What was my plans to go to wear that?
05:35And he would tell me I look ridiculous quite often.
05:41Anything I did was an issue.
05:45I can remember over the lockdown period,
05:48I'd put some weight on because I think we just all ate too much.
05:51And so after lockdown, I said,
05:54''Right, that's it. I'm going on a diet.''
05:56And so I did, and I got to the weight where I wanted to be at,
05:59and I walked in the bedroom, and I was really happy.
06:03Like, I'd really tried hard.
06:04It wasn't easy.
06:05You know, I was really happy about this.
06:07And I walked in, and I said to him,
06:09''Oh, I'm so happy I've hit goal weight.''
06:11And I said, ''I feel like I can rule the world.''
06:13And it was the worst words that could ever have come out of my mouth
06:17because I felt good about myself,
06:20and, you know, that was an absolute no in this book.
06:34I'm sitting here today, and I think it's so important to say to you,
06:37I'm still not 100% healed. I'm not.
06:39But I am doing well, and there is a way out of it.
06:43You can get out of this.
06:46There is so much help and support out there,
06:49and you will be okay again.
06:51And, you know, you will see that all the bad that you think in yourself,
06:55which I have done for so long,
06:57and I think I'm not worthy of anything,
06:59you will see that again.
07:01And, you know, I am a good mom,
07:03and I was a good partner,
07:05and, you know, I'm a good daughter,
07:07and I'm a good sister,
07:09and I'm a good auntie.
07:11But they're all the things that they didn't want you to believe
07:14you were any good at, you know?
07:16I made peace with the fact that I was going to sit in abuse
07:21until one of us died.
07:23And, you know, sometimes I used to stand in my kitchen,
07:27and I would, like, daydream of just a little house with the kids,
07:31and the sun shining, and I'm baking,
07:33and the kids are grabbing cakes off the side,
07:35and he just wasn't there.
07:37And all them little thoughts actually kept me going.
07:41And I used to think, OK,
07:43when one of my children gets to a certain age,
07:46I'll try and leave.
07:48When the boys get older, I'll try and leave.
07:50And then I got to the point where I was like,
07:52I'm never going to be able to leave.
07:54I just have to make peace with the fact that this is my life.
07:57And, you know, and I'm here to tell you
07:59that you never have to make peace with that.
08:01You know, that isn't something that's OK.
08:03And you can get out and have a relatively normal
08:08and happy life.
08:10And I think that's very important.
08:13Compared to where I was three years ago, compared to now,
08:17I never thought I would sit and have the confidence
08:20to do something like this.
08:22I never thought I would be able to sit in a police station
08:25and give 14 years' worth of evidence
08:28against a man who apparently loved me,
08:31and a man who I was actually terrified of.
08:34I never thought I would be able to.
08:36So if you are sitting in abuse now,
08:39there is hope, and there is light,
08:41and there is a way out.
08:43I absolutely promise you there is.
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