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  • 09/09/2024
First broadcast 22nd June 1995.

Whilst Gary wallows in the self pity of being dumped by Dorothy Tony has three girls on the go and has to work out a system to stop them meeting.

Neil Morrissey ... Tony
Martin Clunes ... Gary
Deborah Sheridan-Taylor ... Heather
Caroline Quentin ... Dorothy
Dave Atkins ... Les
Leslie Ash ... Deborah
Richard Pearson ... Gary's Father
Natalie Roles ... Imogen
Sophie Lawrence ... Sylvia

Category

📺
TV
Transcript
00:00You
00:30So, what was she like?
00:50Fantastic!
00:53Did you, er...
00:56Oh, yeah.
00:58Hey!
01:00Hang on a minute, Dad. How's Mum?
01:04Aw.
01:06Well, give her a big sloppy kiss from me.
01:09Yeah, I'd better go now.
01:11I love you. Bye.
01:14Bye. Bye.
01:16I love you. Bye. Bye.
01:18If you got any girlier, you'd be a girl.
01:22Your parents won't be around forever, you know.
01:24Mine will. I'm gonna have them stuffed.
01:27I thought I'd leave my father's arm out like that
01:29and use him as a tie rack.
01:34That's not very nice, is it?
01:36I mean, it is Father's Day.
01:37Oh, God. Have you noticed?
01:38There's a Mother's Day, there's a Father's Day,
01:40but there's no day set aside for the poor, unfortunate outcome
01:42of their pathetic, uncontrollable lust.
01:58Oh, I see.
02:00You're in a bad mood.
02:02No, I'm not.
02:04How long are you gonna be mad at Dorothy for binning you?
02:06I'm not mad at her.
02:08I just hope she dies alone and unloved in a damp bedsit
02:11in Ipswich overrun with rats and large insects.
02:15Go on. Ring your old man. Cheer yourself up.
02:18Oh, I can't. He's so bloody annoying.
02:21All he ever says is,
02:22Mmm, that'll be nice.
02:24Dad, there's a meteorite heading for England
02:26resulting in certain death of the entire population.
02:29Mmm, that'll be nice.
02:31Dad, I'm about to stab me with this big sharp thing.
02:34Mmm, that'll be nice.
02:37Ooh, a telephone. Mmm, that'll be nice.
02:41Go on, ring him. He is your daddy.
02:43No, he's not. I was brought up by dolphins.
02:47Ring, ring. Ring, ring.
02:50Hello, Dad. It's Gary here.
02:52Oh, well, hello, son.
02:54Your mam's out in the kitchen rolling out some pastry.
02:57Dad, I'm a wee bit down in the dumps at the moment.
03:00Oh, son, you don't want to be a wee bit down in the...
03:06What is it with parents? They're always making tea.
03:10Anyone fancy a top-up? Anyone fancy a cuppa?
03:13Anyone fancy a top-up? Anyone fancy a cuppa?
03:16I'd just put the kettle on before me bladder drops below the three-gallon level.
03:20What do you think's going to happen?
03:22Somebody's going to break into their sheltered accommodation,
03:25hijack them into the middle of the desert
03:27where they're not going to get any liquid for three months.
03:30That's never happened before.
03:35Hello?
03:37Oh, hi, Mr Strang.
03:39Yeah, yeah, we're fine.
03:41I believe Gary's not here at the moment, just popped out.
03:45I'm sure he'd love you to come and stay with us.
03:48No, I...
03:50He has been a bit miserable lately.
03:52I know that'll cheer him up.
03:54Tomorrow evening?
03:56Yeah, I'll tell him.
03:58Bye.
04:00Oh, it's him, isn't it? Hide me.
04:02No.
04:04I'll be Heather.
04:07Tony, can I ask you a favour? Yeah, mate.
04:09Can I sleep with one of your girlfriends? No way!
04:12Go on, it'd really perk me up. No!
04:14What do you need three for anyway? No!
04:16You're just being greedy!
04:22Hello.
04:31What are you doing? Get off.
04:33What are you playing at? Get off!
04:35Get off me! Stop!
04:38I'll just go and get my jacket.
04:45Hi.
04:47Hello.
04:49You seem like fun.
04:52Thanks.
04:59Is there any chance on nights when you're not so busy with Tony
05:02that you might come out with me?
05:04I don't think so.
05:06I'll be very grateful.
05:08I thought you two were best mates.
05:10Well, don't mention it to Tony, don't worry about him.
05:13It can just be our delicious secret.
05:17What sort of a girl do you think I am?
05:19The kind who's looking for uncomplicated, straightforward sex,
05:22likes films and meals, non-smoker preferred,
05:24I'll go like a train if you stoke my boiler, that kind.
05:29Right. I was just chatting with Thingy about her hobbies.
05:35Windsurfing and reading. Very interesting.
05:39Oh, stop!
06:04Hello, Gary.
06:31Oh, it's you.
06:33I just wondered if we could have a little chat.
06:36Well, I'm a bit busy at the moment, actually.
06:38Right, I'll come back another time.
06:40No, it's all right, I can squeeze you in if I've got a slot.
06:43Can I fill your slot?
06:45OK.
06:48How's Jamie?
06:50Still shoving gerbils up his bottom, is he?
06:54This is about him, actually.
06:56Oh. Well, you'd better come in, then.
06:59I'd rather not.
07:01What a faint, musty smell, was it?
07:05I'd just rather go somewhere a bit more neutral.
07:08Switzerland?
07:13A crown?
07:15Oh, I'll get the coat.
07:21Cheers. You know what? You're a promiser, don't you?
07:26Deirdre! Dorothy.
07:28Dorothy! Hello, Les.
07:30Where have you been, darling?
07:32Oh, time-travelling through other galaxies, you know.
07:34Ah, you'll probably need a drink, then.
07:36Yeah, vodka and tonic, please.
07:40I thought she'd given you the old finger.
07:42Well, Les, I think she realised
07:44that once you've driven a Cadillac Eldorado,
07:46you can't just hop straight into a Lada.
07:49I'd drive a Lada.
07:51Did I say Lada? Sorry, I meant a Vauxhall Nova.
07:54I'd always hoped one day to upgrade to a Vauxhall Nova.
07:58It's important to have a dream, isn't it?
08:00Yeah.
08:03Put it this way, Les.
08:05You know the song Nobody Does It Better,
08:07where it was actually written about me?
08:09Was it?
08:10Well, no, not actually, but it could almost have been.
08:13I'll tell you a song that might have been written about me.
08:16Yeah? What's that, Dancing Queen?
08:20Something about a big, fat barman.
08:22No!
08:24Young, gifted and black.
08:28As long as you're not young, gifted or black.
08:30Well, it's not an exact match.
08:35So, you wanted to tell me something.
08:38It wouldn't be something in the
08:40what-have-I-done-I've-made-a-terrible-mistake area, would it?
08:45This is a bit awkward, actually.
08:49We want to get married.
08:51What?
08:53I'm getting engaged.
08:55Who to?
08:57The bloke I just met at the bus stop.
08:59Who do you think? Jamie.
09:01But you can't.
09:03We've only just split up.
09:05Your bits of toenail are still in the bathroom bin.
09:09He's not like you.
09:11We're in love.
09:13He's very romantic.
09:14I'm romantic.
09:16Only after nine pints of lager,
09:18when you've got some crutches knickers you want me to try on.
09:23Oh, I'm sorry. I knew you'd be upset.
09:26No, I'm not upset.
09:28I just...
09:30I really think that before you marry him,
09:32you should seriously consider cutting off his head and boiling it.
09:35That's all I'm saying.
09:37Gary, we've been out together for a long time.
09:40You mean a lot to me.
09:42I'd really like you to come to our engagement party.
09:45Oh, fine, great.
09:47Can I bring someone?
09:49You always pretend that you...
09:51Oh, well, if it's going to be too painful for you, I will.
09:54Oh, I'll send you an invitation.
09:56Bring who you like.
10:00Oh, Dorothy, can I say how glad I am
10:03that you've come crawling back to Gary?
10:05Yes, yes. Thanks, Les.
10:07He's been such an old misery since...
10:15That's surprisingly refreshing, actually.
10:20Les, what am I going to do?
10:22She says she's going to marry this Jamie bloke.
10:25Won't that be inconvenient, what with you two going out again?
10:30I suppose you could have her on bank holidays and weekends
10:34and her husband could have her on Mondays to Fridays.
10:38Hey, let me have a Christmas...
10:47Hi, dabs.
10:49Ah!
10:51What do you think? I'm branching out into street theatre.
10:54I get the audience to name an object and I have to act it out.
10:57Great. The other day I was asked to be a bosom.
11:00I'll show you what I came up with.
11:03That's just one. Of course, then there's the other ones.
11:06Yeah, yeah, yeah.
11:08So, how's your bloke?
11:10We split up.
11:12Oh. Well, if you're looking for somebody new,
11:15Gary's dad's stopping for a couple of days.
11:17Thanks, but I'm looking for someone young enough to have full bladder control.
11:21Oh, that's great. Still got your pride.
11:26Not much.
11:28I'm even starting to miss all the silly attention you used to pay me.
11:31Well, I've got three chicks on the go at the moment.
11:33It's a bit time-consuming, you know.
11:36We never did really get us in timing.
11:40Are you sure you don't want me to do a mime for you? I can do anything.
11:43A herd of wildebeest running down Oxford Street
11:45followed by a cloud of poisonous gas.
11:48I can't do wildebeest because I've got a bit of a bad back.
11:59Oh, God!
12:03I say, all these people. Marvellous.
12:08Early evening sherry. Good idea.
12:11How was the train?
12:13The usual 40-minute queue to buy rancid coffee off some abrasive old tarp?
12:18Toilets crammed with students having it off.
12:20Every other carriage filled with mad old deers squawking and sucking treble sweets.
12:25Overall, though, a carnival atmosphere.
12:27I haven't sat down for quite a while.
12:29British rail. Bastard rail, I call it.
12:31No, no, you've given me an ideal opportunity to stretch my legs.
12:34I hope you don't mind me inviting myself down.
12:37Get to know each other better. I won't be around forever.
12:40Oh, no, it's a massive pleasure.
12:42I've only got larder and fish fingers in the fridge, though.
12:45Mmm, that'll be nice.
12:52So, how are you, son?
12:54Oh, well, I just heard that Dorothy's getting married.
12:58Oh, that'll be nice.
13:00I've got to find some gorgeous woman to take to her engagement party.
13:03Oh, goodness. Shall I phone up your mother?
13:06Oh, that's really going to make Dorothy jealous, isn't it?
13:08She'll see me dancing to Three Times A Lady
13:10with the rather deaf 67-year-old ex-amateur lawn bowls champion of Yeovil.
13:15Right, you are. Your decision.
13:17And, Dan, please don't show me up this week by telling those old stories.
13:22Of course not.
13:24I always remember the day you got through three pairs of trousers.
13:28Oh, Dan, please!
13:34Isn't that your friend, Tenny?
13:36I can't encourage him, Dan.
13:41You just make yourself at home.
13:43I've got to make a quick phone call, OK?
13:46Tony!
13:49Have you got any other girlfriends you're not telling me about?
13:52Course not. Why?
13:54You called me Heather in the cinema and Sylvia in the taxi
13:57and you keep making 30 phone calls.
13:59Yeah, yeah, Heather and Sylvia are me mum's two dogs.
14:02We're all worried.
14:03They've been missing for a couple of days now, probably kidnapped.
14:06Why would anyone want to do that?
14:08Well, you know, they re-spray them, give them a new identity.
14:12Sell them abroad or something.
14:22Whose aftershave is this?
14:24If it's Brute, it's Gary's.
14:26If it's Old Spice, it's Gary's dad's.
14:28Or it could be my horn.
14:30Sweet. Like the three bears.
14:32Yeah, yeah.
14:33Except the baby bear keeps wanting to kick the daddy bear's head in.
14:36I tell you, Gary's being a bit of an arse at the moment.
14:39And when I say arse, I mean arse in a nice way.
14:43Oh, hi, mate. I...
14:51Hi, I'm Gary.
14:52Imogen.
14:54No, Gary.
14:56No, I'm Imogen.
14:58Of course you are.
15:00Hello. Hello.
15:02So, how do you find Tony?
15:04Fine. Yeah. Great guy.
15:06My best mate. We share everything.
15:08Mm-hm.
15:10You name it, we share it.
15:12Women, soap, women, everything.
15:16You're not showing me. Please yourself.
15:19Actually, we're throwing a surprise party for him on Saturday night.
15:22Do you want to come? Why?
15:24It's his birthday.
15:27He said it was in November.
15:29Yeah, he's got another one. A spare one.
15:31He won it in a Daily Mail competition.
15:34It's a good prize.
15:36Do you want to come? OK.
15:38Great. Well, I'll pick you up.
15:40You might want to dress in something sexy, you know.
15:43What's this? Going to a party?
15:45Tony's birthday party, Saturday.
15:47Yeah, anyway, enough said.
15:49Isn't that the night of Dorothy's engagement party?
15:51Gary's looking for someone to take so he can make her jealous.
15:55Anybody fancy a cuppa?
15:58The next note said,
16:00please tell Gary not to force his classmates to smell his plimsolls.
16:06This was the week after he'd had to write out a hundred times
16:09I must not shout out bum in school assembly.
16:12When he was nine, we had to see the school psychologist
16:15because he kept asking girls to do handstands for him.
16:19Dad, I'm sure Deborah's not interested.
16:22No, no, I am, I am.
16:24Gary, why don't you do that impression of Mrs Fenimore,
16:27our next-door neighbour?
16:29Oh, no. Go on.
16:31Very amusing. He used to make us laugh like drains at home.
16:34Go on, do Mrs Fenimore.
16:36No. Go on.
16:39Maybe if you ask him.
16:41Go on, Gary, do your Mrs Fenimore.
16:47No, I don't want to.
16:49Go on!
16:52Go on.
16:55Hi-dee-hi.
16:57Could you possibly spare any cake?
17:08Very good.
17:10Oh, that's it. You're going to the cinema.
17:12Oh, lovely. Is there something good on?
17:14Yeah, there's a new one just opened called
17:16Honey, I Gummed Down My Annoying Father.
17:19That'll be nice.
17:21Shall we all go?
17:23No, I've got to stay and pick Deborah's brains about euthanasia.
17:26Look, there's a tenner. Go on, Aliou, get yourself some popcorn.
17:29Go on, chop-chop.
17:33Why are you so mean to him?
17:35Oh, don't fall for this sweet old buffer routine.
17:38He knows exactly what he's doing.
17:40He's never liked me.
17:42I'm sure he has.
17:44Yeah, then why'd he pack me off to boarding school when I was six?
17:47Oh, he didn't, did he?
17:49No, you see, he couldn't even be bothered to send me to a good school.
17:52Oh, I know he's all right.
17:54He just has this knack of embarrassing me.
17:56I still have this dream that I'm at the palace collecting my MBE
17:59for being a smashing guy, and he taps the Queen on the shoulder and says,
18:02''Do you know he didn't have a proper girlfriend until he was 19?''
18:06We're all parents the same.
18:08My mother used to call me Ploppy in front of all my friends.
18:12So, Ploppy.
18:15Not going to ask me to do a handstand for you, are you?
18:18No, I'm over that. Unless you want to.
18:20No.
18:22Has anybody seen my horn?
18:24Yeah, it's behind the sink, mate. You got a problem?
18:26Yeah, I can't remember if I'm taking Heather go-karting,
18:29going for a fondue with Imogen or picketing a chicken farm with Sylvia.
18:33Do you think it's very fair cheating on three girls?
18:36I'm not cheating on them. It's like Timeshare.
18:38They all get the benefits of ownership without the headache of constant maintenance.
18:42Men.
18:44Men.
18:46Sometimes I think I'd be better off having an affair with a woman.
18:53Well, don't hesitate if you want to invite me in an observing capacity.
19:01I know I'll never get over Dorothy.
19:04I'm sorry.
19:06You've really gone through it, haven't you, Gary?
19:09I don't suppose I could ask you...
19:11What?
19:13No, I couldn't.
19:15Go on.
19:17No, I couldn't.
19:19Go on.
19:21No, I couldn't.
19:23Oh, forget it, then.
19:25All right.
19:27Would you come to Dorothy's engagement do with me?
19:29I sort of talk to me all night.
19:31You're the only person I can ask in case I break down.
19:34And I suppose I've always admired you from afar.
19:37I find you a little intimidating.
19:39All right.
19:41Great.
19:43Would you believe it?
19:45I put on your jacket by mistake.
19:47I found this in the pocket. I thought you might need it.
19:50It's a list of people you've invited to Dorothy's party.
19:53I was thinking maybe you'd like to invite me.
19:56Let me see the list, Gary.
19:58It's not a list, just a piece of paper with silly writing on it, that's all.
20:04Girls to invite to Dorothy's do.
20:06One, woman in video shop.
20:09Two, three and four, Tony's chicks.
20:13I'm not even number five, I'm number eight.
20:16You're ahead of me mother.
20:19Try telling her that you have always admired her from afar.
20:25Shall I make us all a cuppa?
20:31Hello, lads.
20:33A pint, please, lads.
20:34Any crisps, will you? No time, mate.
20:36You sure? I'm running a special promotion.
20:39Lager miles. It's similar to air miles.
20:42If you buy a packet of crisps, you get a quarter of an inch of lager.
20:48That's a very good scheme. I think I'll have that, yeah.
20:53I've decided to whittle me girlfriends down.
20:55Debs is right.
20:56You'd think having three girls was three times as good as having one.
20:59At least.
21:00Yeah, but you end up lying all the time, trying to cover up.
21:03Having to have sex when all he wants is a warm, milky drink and a bit of a lie-down.
21:07There you begin to lose my sympathy.
21:10I just can't decide which one I like best.
21:13Well, have a race.
21:15What do you mean?
21:16Put all three girlfriends in a taxi
21:18and get it to drive off into the middle of nowhere and release them
21:21and the first one who comes back to the flat, you go out with.
21:25You can't treat them like pigeons.
21:28They get a ride in a taxi.
21:31No, they're good girls. They've got their dignity.
21:33So I've come up with this points system, you see.
21:36The one with the most points gets to go out with me.
21:38Yeah, these are the categories I've come up with.
21:40Appearance.
21:41Appearance.
21:42Appearance naked.
21:44Joke-telling skills.
21:45Ability to be humorous, yes.
21:46A commander of certain basic household tasks.
21:48Ten points for each category.
21:50So who's winning?
21:51Well, Heather played a blinder in the appearance naked, so...
21:54She's just edged ahead there.
21:56But there's everything to play for as we go into the next round.
22:00Hey, I tell you what, being as you're my best mate,
22:02you can go out with either of the unlucky losers.
22:05No, I couldn't.
22:06Come on!
22:07No, I couldn't.
22:08Go on!
22:11Hi, Tony.
22:13Sylvia, hi.
22:15Here, have a seat.
22:16Thanks.
22:17Hello, Sylvia. I'm Gary.
22:18Can I get you a drink?
22:19I'll have a pint of lager, please.
22:21A pint of lager?
22:23Yes, a pint.
22:24So that's two halves, the girl's weight, but in the same glass.
22:28Yes, if you like.
22:33So, how are you?
22:35Good.
22:37Do you know any jokes?
22:39Hang on a minute. What about a chat first?
22:41Yeah.
22:46How's your ironing?
22:49Tony, telephone call for you at the bar. It's a lady.
22:52Oh, excuse me.
22:55Here's your drink, Sylvia.
22:57Thanks.
22:58So what do you do?
22:59I work for an animal rights group.
23:01Me too.
23:02Really?
23:03Yeah, part-time. Just doing my bit, you know.
23:06I've been a Vulcan for 25 years.
23:10Vulcan? Don't you mean vegan?
23:12What, with these ears?
23:18No, of course I'm a vegan. Just my little joke.
23:21Now, what I'm going to do now may seem disloyal,
23:25but I really do think it's in everyone's best interests.
23:28Sounds a bit spooky.
23:30Well, you see, Tony is going out with two other girls at the moment
23:35and he's marking you all points out of 40
23:37to see which one he should go out with.
23:39There, I've said it.
23:43As you can see, you've rather let yourself down
23:45in the appearance naked category.
23:49Bastard!
23:51Now, I know you're probably not feeling at your most confident right now,
23:54so I was going to ask if you mind if I get your phone number from Tony
23:57and I can call you up and we can go on a march or something.
24:00I think I'd better go home.
24:01Great, I'll come with you.
24:03Actually, we're having a bit of a party on Saturday night.
24:06Oh, yeah, whatever, yeah.
24:08Great. Fantastic.
24:12Hello.
24:13This is my father.
24:14Hello.
24:15Gary, I just popped in to say I bought some veal for supper.
24:18I know you like a bit of veal.
24:20Great news. They've found me mum's dogs.
24:24See you around sometime then, eh?
24:27Oh!
24:30He seems to have missed me out.
24:48Um, Dad.
24:49Hello, son. I was just buffing up your silverware.
24:52Yeah, look, it's been tremendous having you to stay.
24:56Have you found a nice young lady to take to Dorothy's party tonight?
24:59I could just run you to the station now if you like.
25:01I mean, Deborah's a lovely lady. Why don't you ask her?
25:04Oh, for God's sake, go home, you old fool.
25:10Fine.
25:14I'll just get my things together.
25:23All right, mate? Yeah, fine.
25:27So, we all off to Dorothy's do, then see the old girl off?
25:30Oh, sorry, mate, I'm going with Deb's.
25:32Eh? Well, I can still tag along, can't I?
25:34No, mate, we're trying to make a sort of date of it, you know.
25:37Well, why? You've still got two girlfriends left.
25:39No, I whittled them down to Imogen, didn't I?
25:42And then she told me that after going out with me,
25:44she'd decided to give celibacy a try.
25:46So then I phoned Heather back and told her I'd reconsidered my Whitland
25:49and she just told me to bugger off.
25:51Well, who am I supposed to go with, then?
25:53Why don't you ask someone?
25:54Oh, silly me for forgetting.
25:56Well, go on your own.
25:58I can't. I look like some sad arse that goes to parties on his own
26:01and spends the whole night looking at the CDs on his own
26:03and then he leaves and no-one even bloody notices.
26:06You'll know people there.
26:08I won't. Dorothy never let me meet her friends.
26:11Not since the notorious trousers-on-head incident.
26:15Don't go, then.
26:20PHONE RINGS
26:23Oh, well...
26:26Dad, um...
26:28I'm really sorry.
26:30I've been a bit... You know.
26:33Listen, it would be a real honour for me
26:36if you'd come with me to Dorothy's engagement party.
26:40You must be joking, you arrogant sod.
26:46What am I...?
26:49Oh, God.
26:51Oh.
26:55Shouldn't you be blowing up balloons?
26:58I'm not having balloons.
27:00Checking your jellies, then?
27:02There aren't going to be any jellies.
27:05No jelly? Call that a party?
27:09Jamie's called it off.
27:12He doesn't want to get engaged.
27:14Or married.
27:16In fact, he doesn't even want to go out with me any more.
27:22Well, what am I going to do?
27:24I bought you both an expensive engagement present.
27:27No, you haven't.
27:29No, I haven't.
27:32I don't know whether to gloat or be sympathetic.
27:35Yes, you do.
27:37Yes, I do.
27:39It's all right. Oh, I'm sorry.
27:42Oh, I shouldn't have come here.
27:44I know, you needed a shoulder to cry on.
27:47No, I just needed someone I could feel superior to.
27:57Well, if you think you can just march back into my life
28:01and expect a shag, you've got it wrong.