Something Remote (2009) - (Comedy, Drama) - video Dailymotion

Film Gorillas

NR | 1h 32min | Comedy, Drama | 9 January 2009 (USA)    Something Remote is the story of three friends that wish for nothing more than to be left alone with television and pizza but a crazy ex-girlfriend isn't about to let that happen.  Director: Alex Laferriere  Writers: Nicholas Allain, Alex Laferriere  Stars: CJ Haley, Rick Desilets, John Selig

Transcript

00:00:00Good afternoon everyone, I hope you checked your inboxes.

00:00:25Yeah, you better have checked your inboxes.

00:00:27Because we left a memo regarding mandatory overtime by all employees.

00:00:30All employees better be doing overtime.

00:00:32Because the company benefits from every employee who's doing overtime.

00:00:35The company benefits and so will you.

00:00:37And we benefit from every employee who does overtime.

00:00:39Absolutely.

00:00:40I know it's the end of the workday, but I'm sure you'll all be willing to stick around.

00:00:44Stick around.

00:00:45Overtime.

00:01:27It's the end of the workday, but I'm sure you'll all be willing to stick around.

00:01:57It's the end of the workday, but I'm sure you'll all be willing to stick around.

00:02:27It's the end of the workday, but I'm sure you'll all be willing to stick around.

00:02:57It's the end of the workday, but I'm sure you'll all be willing to stick around.

00:03:28Guys, wait.

00:03:31I'm tingling.

00:03:32You know you can get a cream for that.

00:03:34No, I mean it's my ex-girlfriend.

00:03:35Look, I'm telling you, cream doesn't want us for any problem.

00:03:38No, it's not that at all.

00:03:39It's just, I get this sort of tingling sensation whenever my ex-girlfriends are around.

00:03:43It's like a sort of sixth sense.

00:03:45Lisa must be around here somewhere.

00:03:47Lisa?

00:03:48Guys, why are you so mean to her?

00:03:49She was always really nice to me.

00:03:50She probably came to apologize.

00:03:52Look, you just don't understand how girls work.

00:03:54Look, once you realize that girls are predisposed to extract valuable time, energy, and most importantly, money,

00:03:58you'll understand where me and Neil are coming from.

00:04:00You never had a girlfriend, Matt.

00:04:01Look, with girls, you gotta be ruthless.

00:04:04Well, maybe Neil doesn't want to be ruthless.

00:04:06What? What are you talking about? Of course he does. It's his ex.

00:04:09Look, man, just go stand over by the tree. This is man talk.

00:04:12Bye.

00:04:13Go.

00:04:20Yeah. Yeah, ruthless.

00:04:22Can't let Lisa see that I'm still single.

00:04:24Yeah, you gotta save your face.

00:04:25Hey, hey, you.

00:04:26Me?

00:04:27Yeah, yeah, you.

00:04:28Wanna make 20 bucks?

00:04:29Sure.

00:04:38What's with him?

00:04:39Oh, he lost his circle privileges.

00:04:40Right.

00:04:42So, about the 20 bucks.

00:04:44Oh, great. Alright, 20 bucks to pretend to be this guy's girlfriend.

00:04:47This guy?

00:04:48You gotta be kidding me.

00:04:49Girls gotta have standards.

00:04:51Oh, for crying out loud. What's the big deal?

00:04:53I mean, no one would believe that a girl like me was going out with a guy like you.

00:04:58Like, just to think that...

00:05:00Alright, alright, 40 bucks.

00:05:01Okay.

00:05:02Okay.

00:05:04Neil, give her the 40.

00:05:08Come on, come on, don't be cheap. Nice lady.

00:05:10She's doing you a good favor here.

00:05:12Alright, you good? You good? Now let's do this.

00:05:17Sorry about all this.

00:05:18Guys, wait for me.

00:05:26Lisa!

00:05:27Neil!

00:05:28How did you get in here?

00:05:29Hi, Lisa.

00:05:30Eric, don't break rank.

00:05:33I thought you changed the locks.

00:05:35You changed them.

00:05:36No, guys, I did it. And I did it.

00:05:38Yeah, that's what I thought.

00:05:40Yeah.

00:05:41Yeah? Well, your windows are still made of glass.

00:05:44Our slumlord landlord isn't going to fix that.

00:05:46Yeah, neither are you. Hush, Eric.

00:05:48What are you even doing here?

00:05:49I, uh, came here for my stuff.

00:05:52Like what?

00:05:53Like, uh, my hammer.

00:05:56Hey.

00:05:57That's it, you're done, Lisa. I'm calling the cops.

00:05:59Oh, and my cell phone.

00:06:01Fine, just take it and get out of here, Lisa.

00:06:05Who is this, Neil?

00:06:07This is, uh, my new girlfriend, Abby.

00:06:09Abby?

00:06:10Yeah.

00:06:11Neil?

00:06:12This is, uh, my new girlfriend, Abby.

00:06:14That's not my name.

00:06:16Abby.

00:06:18Hi.

00:06:19Well, that's cool.

00:06:20Because I have a new boyfriend.

00:06:22I doubt that, you crazy psycho bitch.

00:06:24Who?

00:06:25Uh, him.

00:06:27Huh? Me? Were you?

00:06:29That's my roommate, Lisa.

00:06:31Uh, I really meant him.

00:06:33I doubt that, you crazy psycho bitch.

00:06:35That's my other roommate, Lisa. You're over two here.

00:06:38I really meant him.

00:06:42Huh.

00:06:44This is my brand new boyfriend.

00:06:47Isn't he...

00:06:49Fucking gross.

00:06:50Rugged.

00:06:51Oh, yeah? Well, if you're her new boyfriend, what's her name?

00:06:53Lisa, don't say a word.

00:06:55Ugh.

00:06:56But, Eric, shut up.

00:06:58Well, hmm?

00:06:59Ugh.

00:07:00Ha! See? I knew it.

00:07:02I was just happy she noticed me.

00:07:04I knew you were on a boyfriend.

00:07:05How much did she pay you to do this?

00:07:07She gave me $40 to stay with her.

00:07:09Paying someone $40 to be their boyfriend?

00:07:11Well, that's low.

00:07:13Well, that's funny.

00:07:14Because Abby over here sure doesn't look like your girlfriend.

00:07:18Oh, yeah? How do you figure?

00:07:19Well, first of all, a girl has to have some standards.

00:07:23Look at her, and look at you.

00:07:25Like trying to fit a small, square peg into a round hole.

00:07:30And, B, she doesn't smell like you.

00:07:33You were smelling me?

00:07:35That's it.

00:07:36Forty bucks is not worth putting up with you freaks.

00:07:39Ha, ha, ha, ha!

00:07:40Who's winning the limbo contest now?

00:07:44What?

00:07:45Just leave.

00:07:46Get going.

00:07:47Now.

00:07:50I'm not done with you, Neil.

00:07:51I'll be back for my stuff later.

00:07:53I doubt that, you crazy psycho bitch!

00:07:59What a waste of $40.

00:08:01I don't know.

00:08:02I think she wants you back.

00:08:04Why would you even say something like that?

00:08:06Yeah, seriously, Eric.

00:08:07Why would you curse that upon him?

00:08:08He's better off now than ever.

00:08:09She doesn't want me back.

00:08:10She just wants to make my life miserable.

00:08:13Come on, Neil. That's not so bad.

00:08:14Hey, uh-uh.

00:08:15I buy a good first slice.

00:08:19I hope you got meat lovers this time, Matt.

00:08:21Yeah, you would say that you do.

00:08:27What the hell are you still doing here?

00:08:28She also said I could take whatever I wanted.

00:08:31What? No! Get the hell out!

00:08:33Um, these are ours. Sorry.

00:08:37Um, that too.

00:08:39Thanks.

00:08:40Well, uh, hold it, hold it.

00:08:45You're good to go.

00:08:46You can never be too sure with hobos.

00:08:51Jeez.

00:08:52At least she's been such a bitch since I broke up with her.

00:08:55I thought she broke up with you.

00:08:56Is that what she's been telling people?

00:08:58Forget about it, Neil.

00:08:59Let's not be too hasty, Matt.

00:09:01I mean, breakups are a delicate situation.

00:09:03Like those Russian fabric eggs.

00:09:06It's Fabergé.

00:09:08No, no, it's not. He dumped her.

00:09:10That egg is smashed. Move on.

00:09:12I think you should re-examine the situation.

00:09:14I mean, it's been like two days since you got split.

00:09:17About that, yeah.

00:09:18Right, so there's some heated emotions getting in the way of everyone's thinking right now,

00:09:22and you should probably just talk to her.

00:09:23Nah, she just wants to move on.

00:09:25Get her goods and go.

00:09:27I mean, she broke in here.

00:09:28Rash, yes, but if you look past all the raw emotion,

00:09:31you might be able to see what you actually want from all this.

00:09:34Nah, I don't think so.

00:09:36Why did you guys even break up? You two were perfect together.

00:09:39She was... too loud.

00:09:42Tell me about it.

00:09:43No, I mean, in bed.

00:09:46What?

00:09:47I wanted to liven things up, so I told her to be louder and get into it.

00:09:52And?

00:09:55And she took it way too far, started yelling and screaming, you know, really getting into it.

00:09:59Wait, so that's why you used to crank your music?

00:10:02Funny I like those tunes.

00:10:04I'll never listen to Rocky Like a Hurricane the same way again.

00:10:07I told her to tone it down, but she said it was only getting better for her the louder and angrier she got.

00:10:12That's when we started to fight.

00:10:14But before all that, don't you miss being with her?

00:10:17Well...

00:10:18Neil, don't listen in. Look, you got your own boob tube right here.

00:10:21Yeah, I guess you're right.

00:10:22I mean, I hadn't been spending that much time with you guys while I was with Lisa.

00:10:25Nothing like pizza and TV, right?

00:10:27Yeah, two pizza pies coming right up.

00:10:28Wait, you got pie?

00:10:29No, you douchebag. It's not actually pie.

00:10:32I'm just calling it pizza pie like the gangsters of old New York used to do.

00:10:36I've never heard of that before.

00:10:37Yeah, me neither. Does anyone still call it that?

00:10:40Does it matter? It's cool. Unique.

00:10:43Uncommon. And with good reason.

00:10:45No way. Look, a grinder is a hoagie, it's a footlong. They're all tasty sandwiches.

00:10:49I'm just saying, pizza pie? It doesn't sound that appetizing.

00:10:53Excuse me, I'd like a pizza. Put some whipped cream and cheese on it.

00:10:57Ooh, and some sprinkles. Yum, yum.

00:10:59Yeah, it's like cheesecake. Just doesn't sound like you'd ever want to eat it.

00:11:02What do you have against cheesecake?

00:11:04Yeah.

00:11:05Listen to it. Cheese. Cake.

00:11:08Sounds like someone took some fresh gouda and threw it on some crust.

00:11:11I mean, I like cheese and all, but a big hunkin' slab of thick gooey just never really tempted me.

00:11:18You do know it's not actually cheese.

00:11:20Well, I know that now, but when I was little, the name was all I had to go on.

00:11:24No, he's right.

00:11:25You bullshit.

00:11:27I'm just saying, a whole cake full of cheese? It sounds a little...

00:11:33What the hell is that?

00:11:35I can't really describe it.

00:11:36You still haven't.

00:11:38I boiled it down to an action.

00:11:39What the hell is that? That doesn't say shit to me.

00:11:42Yeah, it does. It's like, uh, too sweet.

00:11:45What? No, not at all.

00:11:47Yeah, no, it's like when you wipe your brow because it's hot, or you keel over because you're sick.

00:11:51Going like, saying it's too sweet or something.

00:11:55Eric, that's ridiculous.

00:11:57Well, that's what I did.

00:11:58Dude, no wonder Lisa broke up with you. You can't even communicate your own fucking thoughts.

00:12:02Hey, that was a low blow. I broke up with her, remember? She's the crazy one.

00:12:06And don't you forget it. I just had to refocus your anger onto her.

00:12:09We're all friends here. Let's get to that TV.

00:12:16So where the hell is Howie? We can't watch TV without him.

00:12:19Did we lose him?

00:12:20Get his whistle.

00:12:26Got it.

00:12:28Come on.

00:12:36I hear him. Again.

00:12:38I hear him.

00:12:40I hear him.

00:12:42I hear him.

00:12:44Again.

00:12:52Found him.

00:12:53Oh, Howie, thank God.

00:12:55How could we ever lose you?

00:12:57Good thing we attached this locator to him just in case.

00:12:59Oh, put this back, Eric.

00:13:03No, Eric, in its holder.

00:13:05If we lose that whistle and then Howie again, we're screwed.

00:13:08Okay, okay.

00:13:10Yeah, we'll be back to where we were before, Lisa.

00:13:14Remote-less.

00:13:15And thus TV-less.

00:13:16Remember when we broke a remote and got stuck in the Spanish home shopping network?

00:13:19Ah, sí, sí.

00:13:21Compré Española todo el día, diario.

00:13:23Tuvimos que desenchufar la TV sin tener remoto.

00:13:26¿Listo para mirar TV?

00:13:28Vámonos, baby. I love you, Howie.

00:13:30Look how cute he is.

00:13:32So much better than that dog we wanted.

00:13:34I know. I stole him when I broke up with Lisa.

00:13:36She got him when we were still together.

00:13:38Said she needed something size-wise in her life.

00:13:44Well, fuck her! I stole her remote.

00:13:47Right.

00:13:49Well, anyway, like we said, good thing.

00:13:51It's been a good addition to our family.

00:13:53Jeez, girls are complicated.

00:13:55Yeah, but TV isn't.

00:13:59Or maybe it is.

00:14:01Damn it.

00:14:03Now, now, I'll fix it.

00:14:06Yeah, from the sound of it,

00:14:08girls never seem to say what they're thinking.

00:14:10It's like you need some sort of decoder ring to figure it out.

00:14:12Oh, oh, oh, you got it.

00:14:16What were you saying, Eric?

00:14:18You seem like a good kid.

00:14:20I think you'll fit in just fine at the National Security Agency.

00:14:23Anyway,

00:14:27here's your first code to break.

00:14:30Did a girl write this?

00:14:32It looks like a breakup note.

00:14:34What?

00:14:36Yeah, it looks like she's trying to break up.

00:14:39Impossible.

00:14:42I've had a supercomputer working on that one for four months.

00:14:45I just read it.

00:14:47No, no, you did much more than that.

00:14:49You're good.

00:14:51Here.

00:14:53Try this one.

00:14:58Looks like she's avoiding sex tonight.

00:15:00It's a common avoidance maneuver.

00:15:02How could we be so blind?

00:15:04Quickly, come with me.

00:15:09Director.

00:15:11What is the meaning of this?

00:15:13The new guy, he's a cryptoanalysis prodigy.

00:15:15He can crack anything.

00:15:17Well, is that so?

00:15:19Let's see if he can crack this.

00:15:26It's a trick.

00:15:28It has to be.

00:15:30What do you mean?

00:15:32A yes or no answer will lead to disaster.

00:15:34This is a question not meant to be answered.

00:15:36Where did you get this?

00:15:38My wife.

00:15:41Well, that was weird.

00:15:43Yeah, it was almost like...

00:15:45The television is watching you.

00:15:49Okay.

00:15:51After that, I need something to drink.

00:15:55I'll have an MD.

00:15:57What?

00:15:59Oh, come on, Eric, you lost at the nose game.

00:16:01You're the last person to touch their nose after a request,

00:16:03so you've got to take the walk of shame.

00:16:05The nose game? Who came up with that?

00:16:07It's been passed down from generation to generation.

00:16:09It's creation lost to the sands of time.

00:16:11I think it started with Jesus and his apostles.

00:16:13You know who was heavy-handed there.

00:16:15An invaluable tool for lazy people with quick hands everywhere.

00:16:17Yeah, you know Matt's got the quickest hands around.

00:16:19All those years of solitary practice.

00:16:21Yep, and now you're taking a walk.

00:16:23But I don't...

00:16:25Not sorry, Eric. It's the rules.

00:16:27I just got a no. Why the nose?

00:16:29Well, I think if you stuck your finger up your ass,

00:16:31it would cause a few problems after multiple attempts.

00:16:33What are you trying to say?

00:16:35I'm trying to say that I have no intention of a twisted tootsie roll.

00:16:37What?

00:16:39Wicked.

00:16:41It is strange.

00:16:43I guess I can understand it, though.

00:16:45Your hand isn't normally near your face,

00:16:47so you've got to be quick if you want to avoid being the last one.

00:16:49Yeah, totally.

00:16:51Hey, don't think we're going to forget.

00:16:53I'll have an MD.

00:16:55Ugh, fine.

00:16:57Yeah, there's been a lot of weird, stupid things

00:16:59that have been invented over time.

00:17:01I'm not used to this shit.

00:17:03Someone missing a finger, I guess.

00:17:05Yeah, but how does everyone even know about that?

00:17:07I mean, before the internet, people were, like, dumb.

00:17:09I don't know.

00:17:11I guess people maybe did it at family gatherings

00:17:13in order to entertain each other,

00:17:15and then they passed it on or something.

00:17:17Maybe they read it in the newspaper.

00:17:19Yeah, but still, how did that first person figure that out?

00:17:21Luck?

00:17:23I'm not so sure.

00:17:25I think one guy was just puffing on some wacky weed,

00:17:27shoved his thumb between his fingers,

00:17:29but I'm bad or really into weird, trippy shit like this.

00:17:31Yeah, tell me about it.

00:17:33I used to have this one friend who smoked a lot of dope,

00:17:35and one day when he was at his usual Chinese buffet,

00:17:37he thought he could understand what the workers were saying.

00:17:39He called me up and said,

00:17:41I can learn Chinese by smoking weed.

00:17:43What?

00:17:45Turns out the workers were trying to learn Spanish,

00:17:47and my friend was a fluent Spanish translator.

00:17:49Huh, people these days.

00:17:51Well, whoever figured that out is probably related to this guy.

00:17:53Yeah, that one's a classic, wherever it came from.

00:17:55At least I never knew about that one.

00:17:57I don't want to hear that again.

00:17:59Look, just let that slut go.

00:18:01Sorry, man, I've just been thinking about her.

00:18:03She's been acting really weird lately.

00:18:05I mean, I guess I can understand her breaking and entering,

00:18:07but bringing that smelly hobo in here?

00:18:09Dude, just let it go, alright?

00:18:11I mean, once you realize you're better off living the life of a bachelor,

00:18:13you'll be living the high life, like me.

00:18:15You'll be getting drinks served to you,

00:18:17watch all sorts of great TV,

00:18:19be one with...

00:18:21Don't say universe.

00:18:23I was gonna say couch.

00:18:25What do you think about her bringing that hobo in here?

00:18:27I mean, he could have left some germs behind or something.

00:18:29Don't you think it's a little weird that she tried to make it seem like he was her boyfriend?

00:18:31I don't know.

00:18:33I thought it was weirder that we missed him.

00:18:35The second time.

00:18:37Eric, where's that drink?

00:18:39You can't have pizza pie without a cold MD.

00:18:41Yeah, it's coming.

00:18:45You gonna answer that?

00:18:47Nope.

00:18:49What if it's important?

00:18:51Well, if it's important, they'll call back.

00:18:53And waste the time?

00:18:55I know I'm not gonna answer it.

00:18:57See? Problem solved.

00:19:03No way, dude. There's only two of us here.

00:19:05You can't do that. Besides, you're closer.

00:19:07Can't deny that.

00:19:11Jeez, remind me never to call you if I ever go to prison.

00:19:15Hello?

00:19:17Oh, hey, Scott.

00:19:19Yeah, we're all here.

00:19:21I don't know.

00:19:23I don't know.

00:19:25I don't know.

00:19:27I don't care.

00:19:29Yeah, okay. See ya.

00:19:31What did he want?

00:19:33He's on his way over.

00:19:35What for?

00:19:37I don't know.

00:19:39Does he want to watch TV?

00:19:41I don't know.

00:19:43When's he gonna be here?

00:19:45I don't know.

00:19:47What if Lisa sees him?

00:19:49But I found something, though.

00:19:51Some sort of doll.

00:19:53You mean one of your action figures?

00:19:55Hey, those are collectible.

00:19:57And no, this is definitely a doll.

00:19:59It looks like some kind of voodoo doll.

00:20:03Jeez, look at this thing.

00:20:05Lisa must have left it here.

00:20:07It looks kind of like Neil.

00:20:09Why would you even start something like that?

00:20:11Yeah, it does look like him.

00:20:13You too, Eric?

00:20:15No, really. It looks just like you.

00:20:17The arms have been stabbed.

00:20:19And it looks like the head's been reattached.

00:20:21It can't be.

00:20:23And right here where the heart used to be is now a twizzler.

00:20:25Well, that's not that bad.

00:20:27It's black licorice.

00:20:29She is psychotic.

00:20:31I wonder if it works.

00:20:33Oh my God, it's working!

00:20:35It's kind of making him kiss his own ass.

00:20:37No, you schmucks.

00:20:39I was just messing with you.

00:20:41Do you think that thing actually works?

00:20:43Well, it might have.

00:20:45It's just like this voodoo doll.

00:20:47You can't be serious.

00:20:49Oh, wait. That was a dream I had.

00:20:51You dream about me?

00:20:53It's okay, Matt.

00:20:55I dream about you guys too.

00:20:57I don't dream about you guys.

00:20:59Wait, what do you dream about?

00:21:01Just, you know, the three of us living together.

00:21:03Forever. I love it here.

00:21:05That's fucking creepy, dude.

00:21:07What, you dream about Neil's head being cut off?

00:21:09I don't dream about any of you!

00:21:11There, there. We weren't fighting.

00:21:13There, there, Howie.

00:21:15We're upsetting him.

00:21:17I think he'll be okay.

00:21:19He knows we're friends.

00:21:21It's not a real person, Eric.

00:21:23I'm just making the point that Lisa's a crazy psycho bitch with voodoo Neil dolls.

00:21:25What, by talking to the remote?

00:21:27By luring him back to the couch with the seductive calls of Howie.

00:21:29It's TV that'll never do you wrong.

00:21:31I'm sure she's just venting or something.

00:21:33You know, taking her anger out in non-harmful ways.

00:21:35I'm sure she's hurt that you guys broke up.

00:21:37She might even be trying to patch things up.

00:21:39Patch things up?

00:21:41You're talking back to my torso?

00:21:43Eric, Lisa clearly wants this guy dead.

00:21:45I don't know about that.

00:21:47Anger is her form of communication.

00:21:49Unconventional?

00:21:51Yeah, but it's been consistent since the breakup.

00:21:53What I see is that she's planning something bigger.

00:21:55I keep thinking,

00:21:57she can't handle this breakup the way I can.

00:21:59I think I need to do something about this.

00:22:01See, there's a problem right there.

00:22:03You're thinking about things.

00:22:05We all know the cure for thinking, don't we, boys?

00:22:07TV.

00:22:09It happens here every Friday night.

00:22:11Ted over here is going to help us out with this operation.

00:22:13You ready, Ted?

00:22:15Yeah.

00:22:17Let's do this. Come on.

00:22:19They think it's some kind of game.

00:22:25Hey, guys.

00:22:27Ted, what are you doing here?

00:22:29Ted, your character died.

00:22:31Flagroth, the wizard mage,

00:22:33died in the last threat.

00:22:35Go, go, go!

00:22:37What's going on?

00:22:39What? Nothing.

00:22:41I don't have anything. What do you want?

00:22:43Give me that.

00:22:45Dice? That's a felony, man.

00:22:47Oh, my God.

00:22:49It's a felony.

00:22:51You can't have them.

00:22:53I need them.

00:22:55Coming downtown with you, man.

00:22:57You're making me sick.

00:22:59Oh, my God. My mom's going to kill me.

00:23:01Well, that was interestingly bad.

00:23:03Man, TV's been sucking recently.

00:23:05Seems like our society is degenerating

00:23:07into a populace that's only interested

00:23:09in lower and lower forms of entertainment.

00:23:11That's perpetuating the de-evolution

00:23:13of our culture.

00:23:15Oh, that was really sophisticated of you.

00:23:17Yeah, right on the back of the cereal box.

00:23:19Wow, what kind of cereal do you eat?

00:23:21Philosophicos.

00:23:23Wow.

00:23:25I was kidding, you douchebag.

00:23:27I'm sorry.

00:23:29I was kidding, you douchebag.

00:23:31I have to disagree with you, Matt.

00:23:33I'm sure he's a douchebag.

00:23:35I think he meant about the TV sucking, Matt.

00:23:37Here.

00:23:39Let me show you the TV's not completely down the tubes.

00:23:41Careful with them. Soft hands.

00:23:43There's got to be some quality stuff on here to watch.

00:23:45Oh, I wouldn't doubt it. TV's got all sorts of hidden gems.

00:23:47You probably won't find much, though.

00:23:49Most of it's pretty crappy.

00:23:51I don't know, Matt. We've had some great times in here together.

00:23:53Do us proud, Neil.

00:23:55Good luck.

00:23:57We've got all sorts of balls.

00:23:59Big balls, little balls, yellow balls,

00:24:01frisbee balls, black balls, blue balls,

00:24:03ugly balls, blue balls, salty balls,

00:24:05did I mention blue balls? Everyone loves balls.

00:24:07Have we got a deal for you.

00:24:09Buy a ball, get a ball.

00:24:11Come in for a pair today at Big Al's Big Balls Emporium.

00:24:15QED.

00:24:17Wow.

00:24:19Betrayed by our own TV.

00:24:21How did this be?

00:24:23It was pretty simple.

00:24:25You just have to push the risque limits in order to garner the most attention.

00:24:27It's a recipe for disaster.

00:24:29No, I mean about you being right.

00:24:31You're almost never right,

00:24:33especially about how your precious TV is losing its luster.

00:24:35Well, you tend to look past it and enjoy it for what it is.

00:24:37I don't know, guys.

00:24:39There's still some good stuff out there.

00:24:41Like this hit new superhero show my internet blogging sites keep talking about.

00:24:43This better not be another one of your stupid Asian cartoons.

00:24:45Jeez, Matt,

00:24:47it's called anime,

00:24:49and no, this isn't.

00:24:51Good, because I don't think I could take another five minutes of anime lines,

00:24:53overexpressions, and senseless emphasis.

00:24:55What?

00:24:57Oh, come on. Every anime is,

00:24:59Hello! How are you doing?

00:25:01Well, it's none of that.

00:25:03Yeah, we'll see.

00:25:05Heads up.

00:25:07Nice catch.

00:25:09Wouldn't want to hurt your precious baby.

00:25:11Hey, that's all of our babies.

00:25:13Okay, so...

00:25:15For Christ's sake.

00:25:17Hello?

00:25:19Hi.

00:25:21Yep.

00:25:23Mm-hmm.

00:25:25Right here.

00:25:29It's Lisa.

00:25:31Lisa!

00:25:33Yes, Neil.

00:25:35You still have more of my stuff.

00:25:37Don't play coy, Neil.

00:25:39I know you're there.

00:25:43It was a wrong number.

00:25:45It was a wrong number.

00:25:47It was Lisa.

00:25:49Oh, she's seriously gonna do this?

00:25:51How about that show, Eric?

00:25:53No way. I refuse to have my entertainment sphere

00:25:55be penetrated by this psycho.

00:25:57Either you settle this, or I will.

00:25:59Maybe it's not even her.

00:26:01See?

00:26:03Oh, that is it.

00:26:05Lisa,

00:26:07you're being permanently disconnected.

00:26:09Oh, man.

00:26:11I always wanted to have a bitch in one letter like that.

00:26:13Oh, that settles that.

00:26:15That was extreme.

00:26:17Hey, she had it coming.

00:26:19Why do you always have to be the beaver

00:26:21in Neil's dam, Matt?

00:26:23You've been causing a lot of problems lately.

00:26:25Where do you come up with this stuff, Eric?

00:26:27That was actually pretty...

00:26:31He never answers the first one.

00:26:33Just wing it out.

00:26:35There.

00:26:39Something else.

00:26:41I swear to God.

00:26:43Neil? What?

00:26:45No, wait. Lisa has my phone.

00:26:47Good call.

00:26:49I'm proud of you.

00:26:51Just turned it off.

00:26:53I hate when my dome is assaulted.

00:26:55This is why girls are the root of all evil.

00:26:57Let's just get to that show.

00:26:59Maybe you should just talk to her.

00:27:01She has been very forward.

00:27:03Eric!

00:27:05Yeah, okay.

00:27:07This is the College Crew.

00:27:09He's got athletic capacity.

00:27:13Lane, with the power of social invisibility.

00:27:19Has a car, lad.

00:27:21Who has a car?

00:27:25And Amazo, with the power of telekinesis.

00:27:33Wow, what an awful show.

00:27:35Yeah.

00:27:37I don't think superheroes make any more.

00:27:39It can't be the classic superheroes, like Batman.

00:27:41Please, are you kidding me? Batman?

00:27:43Come on, he wasn't that bad.

00:27:45I don't give a shit about Batman.

00:27:47He's not a real superhero. He's got a lot of money.

00:27:49He keeps a small boy in a cave.

00:27:51Well, that's true. He did keep a small boy in a cave.

00:27:53But he was a dark hero,

00:27:55bound to service by the events of his childhood.

00:27:57That's not even the fucking problem.

00:27:59He's basically Sherlock Holmes without the cool accent.

00:28:01I'm gonna fight crime by being a detective.

00:28:03Yeah, that's cool.

00:28:05What about Spider-Man?

00:28:07The semen slinger?

00:28:09Spider-Man's kinda cool, I guess.

00:28:11At least he actually has superpowers.

00:28:13Peter Parker's original conception was to make science cool

00:28:15and relate to other teenagers.

00:28:17He was a high school student, and he dealt with everyday problems.

00:28:19I could totally see that happening.

00:28:21No, originally Peter Parker was a jock with brains.

00:28:23Totally not happening.

00:28:25At least Batman's a hero that you can go around saying,

00:28:27with a little hard work and studying, I could be him someday.

00:28:29He wouldn't spend the rest of his life

00:28:31looking for a radioactive beetle.

00:28:33Batman couldn't even keep his villains under control.

00:28:35It's a nice job security, if you ask me.

00:28:37What?

00:28:39A corporate entity such as Wayne Enterprises

00:28:41must have had a hand in sales such as security devices

00:28:43to shipping and construction.

00:28:45Making sure his villains weren't truly locked away forever,

00:28:47Batman had a pretty good guarantee that Gotham

00:28:49would be facing some tough times ahead.

00:28:51He'd be making profit repairing all the destruction

00:28:53caused by his publicly hated thorns,

00:28:55meanwhile ensuring a positive life for Batman

00:28:57and a financial foothold for Wayne Enterprises.

00:28:59So you're saying Batman actually expects the villains to escape?

00:29:01Totally. If he's so technologically advanced,

00:29:03how come each of his villains has escaped like a hundred times?

00:29:05Well, they have to keep the cast of characters relatively contained.

00:29:07But people love seeing some of their favorite villains.

00:29:09Sure, and Bruce Wayne profits from it all.

00:29:11I mean, if you're here as the almighty dollar,

00:29:13then B-Money's your man.

00:29:15Well, what about Superman, guys?

00:29:17He's always been my hero.

00:29:19Okay, talk about lame.

00:29:21Yeah, totally, come on. Man of steel, truth, justice,

00:29:23and the American way.

00:29:25The only real American way is Captain America.

00:29:27It's in his fucking title.

00:29:29He's not a good hero.

00:29:31Plus, we should do what we do with all illegal aliens

00:29:33and throw them out of the country.

00:29:35Superman's character is all about the social struggles

00:29:37of being different.

00:29:39Yeah, but he looks great in a fly in his jack-beyond-belief.

00:29:41Oh, yeah, that's totally a social outcast.

00:29:43And yet everything is such a huge struggle

00:29:45for his super strength, too.

00:29:47Like, he can stop a meteor from falling at 500 miles an hour,

00:29:49but he has trouble lifting a fucking car?

00:29:51I mean, it's like super strength is the ability

00:29:53to be just strong enough for a given task.

00:29:55What a crock of shit.

00:29:57I know, Eric. College kids don't really act like that.

00:30:01Yeah, though...

00:30:03I could use an M.D.

00:30:05I'll drive.

00:30:07Woo-hoo! TV to myself.

00:30:09Eric, hold the fort.

00:30:11And if Lisa comes around again, call the cops.

00:30:13Jeez, Duke, why you gotta keep bringing her up?

00:30:15You can never be too careful.

00:30:17No one hangs up on me!

00:30:19Ah! She's still here!

00:30:21Shit, dude.

00:30:23What do we do? What do we do?

00:30:25Why didn't you feel her with your sense?

00:30:27I don't know.

00:30:29Shut up, Eric.

00:30:31We can't go out there now, not with her watching and waiting.

00:30:33Lisa, what do you want?

00:30:35Do you want me to say it in front of everyone?

00:30:37You know what I want!

00:30:39No, I don't.

00:30:41That's why I asked you.

00:30:43No, don't.

00:30:45I, uh, I think she saw you guys.

00:30:47Neil, just open the door!

00:30:49Don't drop it!

00:30:51I'm all right, Neil.

00:30:53I'm all right. Open the door.

00:30:55I'm all right, Neil. Open the door.

00:30:57I just want to talk. I'm all right.

00:30:59Open the door.

00:31:01I'm all right.

00:31:03Neil, open the door. I just want to talk.

00:31:05I'm all right.

00:31:07Come on, please?

00:31:09Neil?

00:31:11No, no, wait, man. I've seen this shit before. Don't do it.

00:31:13Neil, just open the door. I just want to talk.

00:31:15I'm all right.

00:31:17If she's serious, what if she just wants to talk?

00:31:19No way, man. It's just a lure. All preying animals have one.

00:31:21They're not going to lull you into a false sense of security.

00:31:23They're just going to put a fucking axe in your head.

00:31:25Come on, man. You don't need this. Let's go.

00:31:35Neil! Don't ignore me!

00:31:37I think I should go talk to her.

00:31:39No, no, no. You don't need to, all right?

00:31:41I don't think you should listen to him, Neil.

00:31:43Yeah? Listen to this.

00:31:51Hey, there. I'm Steve.

00:31:53And this is Travels with Steve.

00:31:55On today's adventure, we're going to tell you all

00:31:57about beautiful Wistermass.

00:31:59Get out of here.

00:32:05She's like a zombie or something, hanging around our door.

00:32:07No way. A zombie would be smarter.

00:32:09Better looking, too.

00:32:11Guys, zombies don't exist.

00:32:13Oh, yeah? That's what the government wants you to think.

00:32:15Impossible.

00:32:17You know, Ignaz is a zombie, too.

00:32:19Impossible.

00:32:21You know, Ignaz is a zombie's greatest ally.

00:32:23Knowledge, their worst enemy.

00:32:25So you're trying to tell us that the Walking Dead are real?

00:32:27Why wouldn't they be? I mean, think about it.

00:32:29There's hundreds of thousands of undiscovered plant and animal life out there in the world.

00:32:31What's to say the Walking Dead isn't one of them?

00:32:33Science.

00:32:35An organism that survives without the need for oxygen?

00:32:37Evolution at its finest.

00:32:39Animating a dead body?

00:32:41Shutting down a currently functioning one by attacking the central part of the brain.

00:32:43Restarting it as a shell of its former self,

00:32:45using electrical impulses already hardwired in all of us.

00:32:47The craving for human flesh?

00:32:49A myth. A source of energy isn't needed by the virus.

00:32:51Though the hunch for living flesh is an unfortunate byproduct of it.

00:32:53No way, zombies aren't threatening.

00:32:55I can power walk faster than them.

00:32:57Oh, yeah?

00:32:59A zombie's power, unlike the mythical vampire or otherwise,

00:33:01is in its numbers, not the individual.

00:33:03Their tirelessness and their sheer volume is what makes them so terrifying.

00:33:05If you were confronted with one Zed,

00:33:07well, I'd hope you'd win,

00:33:09but now consider this entire block,

00:33:11or even this whole city, infested.

00:33:13What would you do? Where would you go?

00:33:15I, um...

00:33:17I'd go home. I live in the country.

00:33:19Okay. Now consider the psychological threat.

00:33:21What if your father, your mother,

00:33:23or even your best friend became infected?

00:33:25How would you kill that?

00:33:27The constant

00:33:29beating, banging,

00:33:31barraging on the door,

00:33:33disturbing you while you eat, sleep, or watch TV?

00:33:35Stop it!

00:33:37You're scaring me.

00:33:39There, there, Eric.

00:33:41Just trying to save you now while I can.

00:33:43Get your mind off it.

00:33:55The most terrifying thing is happening

00:33:57in your bed,

00:34:01in the shower.

00:34:03No matter where you run,

00:34:05you're going to be

00:34:07f***ed

00:34:09by fear.

00:34:12You're not that scared

00:34:14for a chick.

00:34:16Summer 2012!

00:34:18Tall ones carve

00:34:20from the bottom of one's leg,

00:34:22and the rest is marble.

00:34:24The giant crabs are everywhere!

00:34:26Everyone, run for your lives! RUN!

00:34:30Maybe that slut Lisa

00:34:32is infected or something.

00:34:34You still want that cream I mentioned?

00:34:36Hey, that's not nice.

00:34:38Hey, I'm just saying, maybe she's some sort of demon zombie

00:34:40turning us into TV-watching friends!

00:34:42No, I mean calling her a...

00:34:44a slut.

00:34:46I don't think that's really nice of you.

00:34:48Sorry, dude, but it comes with the territory.

00:34:50I mean, she was the one who decided to go all uber-bitch.

00:34:52She can take her title with her.

00:34:54Neil, I'm sure you don't think calling her a...

00:34:56is right next girlfriend or not.

00:34:58I don't know. I think she slept with about 12 guys.

00:35:00I think.

00:35:02I never really asked her that.

00:35:04I guess that's kind of slutty if you care about that sort of thing.

00:35:06Yeah, see? Total slut.

00:35:08I don't know. Suck 37 dicks or something.

00:35:10Whoa, whoa, whoa. That's completely different.

00:35:12Come on, guys. This isn't right.

00:35:14What do you mean?

00:35:16You're saying that sucking 37 dicks isn't as slutty as sleeping with 12 guys?

00:35:18Totally not.

00:35:20No way.

00:35:22Eric, 37 dicks or 12 guys, which is sluttier?

00:35:24I don't feel comfortable talking about this, guys.

00:35:26Come on, douchebag. Man up and answer the question.

00:35:28Well...

00:35:30I mean, sexual intercourse is something

00:35:32special shared between two lovers.

00:35:34And it shouldn't be entered in too lightly.

00:35:36I think if a girl is just throwing herself around

00:35:38like that, well then,

00:35:40she's not a very good-willed girl.

00:35:42I can see what you mean.

00:35:44It's just...

00:35:4637 dicks is a lot of dick.

00:35:48I don't think the term slut should be thrown around

00:35:50like a nickname.

00:35:52You think slut, you think sex. 12 guys, total slut.

00:35:54This is like what? 21, 22...

00:35:5623!

00:35:58Right, 23. So let's say she gets her first lay when she's 18.

00:36:00That's like three guys per year. Total slut.

00:36:02Well, by that method, let's say she was a teeny bopper

00:36:04and started experimenting when she was 15.

00:36:06With 37 dicks, that's 5D per Y.

00:36:08Deeper Y?

00:36:10Yeah, D per Y. Dicks per year.

00:36:12That's not even considering her relationship spans.

00:36:14Even if she wasn't sucking other dick during relationships,

00:36:16an average relationship span of, say,

00:36:18six months,

00:36:20the frequency of dicks has to go up

00:36:22when she's single in order to maintain that 5D per Y.

00:36:24Oh.

00:36:26I feel awful when I think of it like that.

00:36:28At least I never did anything like that, though.

00:36:30I was just saying that to prove my point.

00:36:32That was a mouthful.

00:36:34You guys are awful saying things like that.

00:36:36Man, that is a lot of dick.

00:36:38I'm gonna have to rethink this one.

00:36:40Man.

00:36:42I could use a drink.

00:36:44Yeah, me too.

00:36:46What are you doing?

00:36:48Not getting my drink.

00:36:50Yeah, but you started with your hand on your nose.

00:36:52That's the game.

00:36:54No, that's total disqualification.

00:36:56You can't start with your finger on your nose.

00:36:58What? Why?

00:37:00Because then you could just never have to get your own stuff.

00:37:02You get an advantage being the asker, but that's it.

00:37:04Sorry, dude.

00:37:06I'll have an MD.

00:37:08What?

00:37:10Punishment for your crime against humanity.

00:37:12Humanity?

00:37:14Gotta make an example out of this one. Sorry, Eric.

00:37:16You know, Matt, it seems like I'm always getting you a drink.

00:37:18But someday, somebody else is gonna get mine.

00:37:20Gotta pick your battles, man.

00:37:30Hey!

00:37:32Hey, nothing.

00:37:34No, really. I think Lisa's gone.

00:37:36Again? Maybe it's for good this time.

00:37:38She can't really be gone.

00:37:40Why don't you go check?

00:37:42I can't.

00:37:44Why not?

00:37:46She might do something dumb. You saw the voodoo doll.

00:37:48Maybe you're overthinking the situation.

00:37:50Your fear seems out of place.

00:37:52I don't want to get my head cut off.

00:37:54Look, Neil, you want her gone, but you're concerned that she is.

00:37:56Why don't you reassess the situation

00:37:58and then talk to her?

00:38:00Neil, don't listen to this douchebag.

00:38:02All right, we've had so much fun today, just kicking back and watching TV.

00:38:04It's like I said, girls are high-maintenance and dangerous,

00:38:06no matter who they are. It's for the better.

00:38:08Yeah, but...

00:38:10Yeah, but you can work, come home, and watch TV.

00:38:12We can make fun of Eric together.

00:38:14It's worked for me, and life is great.

00:38:16Yeah, but don't you want more?

00:38:18Hell no. I know to go and get more just leads you down a troublesome trail.

00:38:20I'd rather stick with what works.

00:38:22Look, you tried to track down the love life path,

00:38:24and now you're shitting bricks because of it.

00:38:26Neil, just check.

00:38:28Lisa's been at this for some time now.

00:38:30Give her a chance.

00:38:32Trust me, there might still be some electricity left in this one.

00:38:34I think I'm going to listen to Eric on this one, Matt, all right?

00:38:36It'll only be a minute.

00:38:38I'm telling you, dude,

00:38:40security surrounds this couch.

00:38:42I know it for certain.

00:38:44See you in a bit.

00:38:46I'll wait here.

00:38:56Bye.

00:39:16Lisa!

00:39:18Neil!

00:39:20What the hell are you doing?

00:39:22You weren't going to cut that cord, were you?

00:39:24At this point, I'd let you if it wasn't powering our TV.

00:39:26Oh, of course, your precious TV.

00:39:28Jeez, Neil, you've really taken a turn

00:39:30for the worse without me.

00:39:32What the hell is wrong with you?

00:39:34You've still got some of my stuff.

00:39:36I was getting to that. You'll get it.

00:39:38I just want to be alone.

00:39:40We are alone.

00:39:42That's not what I meant. We want to watch TV in peace.

00:39:44Is that it? Is that what you're going to do with yourself?

00:39:46Just get a decent job and sit and settle?

00:39:48I want more.

00:39:50You should know what my ambitions are.

00:39:52It's not going to come to you in some song and dance.

00:39:54And those buffoons in there

00:39:56aren't going to help you.

00:39:58Well, Matt isn't at least.

00:40:00Those are my friends in there.

00:40:02Well, you have to understand that there comes a time in life

00:40:04where you have to start making decisions for yourself.

00:40:06What choice are you going to make?

00:40:08You're not going to make me do this, are you?

00:40:10Damn it, Neil, if not now, then when?

00:40:12Well, I'm certainly not going to choose you.

00:40:14You're crazy.

00:40:16That wasn't the option. We're over, remember?

00:40:18Yeah, good thing too.

00:40:20Well, I sure as hell feel free now.

00:40:22Damn it, Neil, why are you siding with them?

00:40:24I didn't even say anything about them.

00:40:26You didn't have to.

00:40:28I came out here to talk to you.

00:40:30No, you came out here to save your precious TV time.

00:40:32What, are you just watching the Spanish shopping channel again?

00:40:34No.

00:40:36We've got a long stick.

00:40:38Well, I'm not leaving until I get what's mine.

00:40:40I know you're keeping them.

00:40:42We want you to leave.

00:40:44Why are you being such a bitch?

00:40:46Me?

00:40:48I didn't send you down here to get rid of me.

00:40:50No, I came out here on my own.

00:40:52Liar.

00:40:54You can't make a decision for yourself, Neil.

00:40:56You've got to have someone lead you around,

00:40:58or you'll just hang around and venge.

00:41:00Hell, you've got a poor reason

00:41:02for hanging around here.

00:41:04Damn it, I thought this was going to resolve something.

00:41:06Just give me my stuff, and we'll solve this issue.

00:41:08You're so damn possessive.

00:41:10Don't just walk away from me.

00:41:12What do you want me to do?

00:41:14You want your stuff? You've already taken everything else that's mine.

00:41:16No, not at all.

00:41:18What do you even want them for, anyway?

00:41:20You just want an excuse

00:41:22to stay here, don't you?

00:41:24Yeah, you wish.

00:41:26You're just trying to get me to lead through reverse psychology.

00:41:28Well, it's not going to work.

00:41:30What did I ever see in you?

00:41:32Don't sell a relationship so short.

00:41:34You couldn't enjoy it for what it was worth, remember?

00:41:36Be louder.

00:41:38Yeah, you certainly took a liking to that, didn't you?

00:41:40God, you're an asshole.

00:41:42That is really rubbing off on you.

00:41:44You're crazy.

00:41:46I told you, don't just walk away from me.

00:41:48Watch me.

00:41:50Go to hell!

00:41:56So, what do you think?

00:41:58Is it going to work out?

00:42:00I think I should get mad at the drink.

00:42:02Told you, dude. Total bitch, huh?

00:42:04Neil, don't give up on her yet.

00:42:06If you're trying to pass things up, Eric, you're a fool.

00:42:08You're just overly concerned with what everyone else thinks of her.

00:42:10She can't hate you.

00:42:12She's using her power to bug the hell out of us.

00:42:14She keeps a massacre doll of me.

00:42:16She must really hate me.

00:42:22Welcome back, dude.

00:42:24Damn it, Matt.

00:42:26Hey, I told you. Stability.

00:42:28I can assure you that she'll never treat you wrong.

00:42:30I don't know.

00:42:32I just can't help the feeling that Lisa's plotting something bigger.

00:42:34It's not like she's going to blow up the apartment with her brain or anything.

00:42:36I guess so.

00:42:38What do you think Eric's on to, anyway?

00:42:40I don't know what his love-hate theory is.

00:42:42Like those animes he watches.

00:42:44Oh, look. Here comes the matchmaker now.

00:42:46How do they make it so green?

00:42:48What?

00:42:50Your drink. How do they make it so green?

00:42:52It's like the ooze from Ninja Turtles.

00:42:54You know, I always thought drinking MD would make me a turtle.

00:42:58A turtle.

00:43:00Not a martial artist.

00:43:02A turtle.

00:43:04Yeah, I think you'd be evolving the wrong way if you turned into a turtle.

00:43:06Well, then again, for you, that might be an improvement.

00:43:08Did you guys know that the creators of the Turtles

00:43:10took cheese graters and they put them on their head

00:43:12and swung it around?

00:43:14And that's how they came up with the idea for Shredder.

00:43:16Is that what your blogs tell you?

00:43:18Wiki.

00:43:20Oh, right. My second guess.

00:43:22You live on those websites, Eric, and yet you stay culturally ignorant and socially dense.

00:43:24Huh?

00:43:26Wonder who went into the fight between the Power Rangers and the Ninja Turtles.

00:43:28Rangers?

00:43:30I'm just surprised you know who the Power Rangers are.

00:43:32Well, it did start out as a Japanese show called Super Sentai Series.

00:43:34That's right.

00:43:36You're an Asian kid stuck in an American body.

00:43:38How could I forget? You're such an Asia-erican.

00:43:40What?

00:43:42Asia-erican. An American kid so enveloped in Asian culture

00:43:44that he forgets his own roots.

00:43:46It's people like you that allowed the teriyaki flood to come rushing into our country.

00:43:48From food to fashion to entertainment.

00:43:50What, is America not good enough for you?

00:43:52You don't like our cheeseburgers and our fast cars?

00:43:54That's a bit harsh, man.

00:43:56It wouldn't be a fair fight anyway.

00:43:58I mean, there's only four Turtles and five Power Rangers.

00:44:00No, it'd still be a fair fight.

00:44:02They got two girls, which is basically one dude.

00:44:04Turtles would still win.

00:44:06No way, dude. The Rangers are way better.

00:44:08Dude, they're basically just different nationalities wearing different colored spandex

00:44:10and talking to a giant fucking floating head.

00:44:12Oh, because talking to a giant rat is cooler than that.

00:44:14Hey, a genetically altered rat who knows martial arts?

00:44:16You can't beat that.

00:44:18They're better trained and more hardcore than the Randall crew.

00:44:20Well, what about the Megazord?

00:44:22Alright, look.

00:44:24Every Power Rangers episode is the same damn formula.

00:44:26One, there's a normal human problem.

00:44:28Billy's got homework, or Kimberly chipped a nail.

00:44:30Oh no! Whatever.

00:44:32Two, he comes down from outer space and gets fought by the Power Rangers.

00:44:34Three, the creature gets fucking gigantic.

00:44:36Four, the Rangers call out the Megazord,

00:44:38and they go all Godzilla on the city,

00:44:40causing millions in structural and collateral damage.

00:44:42And five, they finally get around to beating the monster

00:44:44and somehow manage to translate their success

00:44:46back to the problem at the beginning of the episode.

00:44:48Why do they always repeat?

00:44:50There's no way they could beat the better trained Turtles.

00:44:52Well, the pattern is because the American show

00:44:54is comprised of footage from the original Japanese series.

00:44:56Ah, he's right.

00:44:58Bullshit.

00:45:00The American show was supposed to use helmets to conceal the actors.

00:45:02The American show just cannibalized the footage from the Japanese one.

00:45:04Going all Godzilla was just a result of the Japanese audience

00:45:06loving that man in a rubber suit type stuff.

00:45:08The Yellow Ranger was originally a dude in Japan.

00:45:10That's why she didn't wear a skirt.

00:45:12Whatever, they still couldn't beat the Turtles.

00:45:14But they had the Megazord!

00:45:16Oh, so you're assuming they can use everything at their disposal?

00:45:18Of course they'd fucking win.

00:45:20They'd fucking stomp the Turtles with their huge fucking robot.

00:45:22Turtles had a blimp?

00:45:24Shut up, Eric.

00:45:26It'd be like pitting a meat-covered baby against a...

00:45:28Bull.

00:45:30So they would win.

00:45:32Shut up, Eric.

00:45:34Get my pocket knife out here.

00:45:36What the hell?

00:45:38Oh, no, that's a midget knife.

00:45:40Yeah, that's a knife.

00:45:42Dude, it's a tower.

00:45:44Seriously, a tower.

00:45:46You don't see that every day.

00:45:48A tower.

00:45:50A medieval tower.

00:45:52Can you imagine this with cannons and knights and shit?

00:45:54Jesus Christ, how'd you ever become a doctor?

00:45:56It was in your veins.

00:45:58Yeah, yeah, it was, yeah.

00:46:00Fight the fight, I'll fight the fight.

00:46:02Yeah, I live for nothing, I die for cream.

00:46:04Cream!

00:46:06I gave you an Oscar-winning performance last time,

00:46:08and now you come around and chase me with a camera.

00:46:10Now I know what it feels like

00:46:12to have the paparazzi chase you around

00:46:14because you're so damn popular.

00:46:16This is Excel.

00:46:18Yo, yo, yo, my main man Luke here

00:46:20is sporting a 1960 pre-Cold War short stack.

00:46:22He's been suffering

00:46:24with his crude cue for some time.

00:46:26Watch what happens

00:46:28when we take his limb locker

00:46:30and turn it into a pimp locker.

00:46:32Oh, is that my locker?

00:46:34No, is that my locker?

00:46:36Oh, that is my locker!

00:46:38Oh, my God!

00:46:40Oh, man, it's so...

00:46:42Check out the spinners!

00:46:44The spinners!

00:46:46Oh, my God!

00:46:48Yeah!

00:46:50Yeah!

00:46:52Oh, yeah, oh, my God!

00:46:54Oh, man, it's so beautiful,

00:46:56I just want to rub up against it!

00:46:58Oh, it's, oh, it's amazing!

00:47:00It's so, oh, jeez, oh, my God!

00:47:02Oh, my God, all the honeys

00:47:04are gonna be wanting to put their books in my locker!

00:47:06Oh, oh, yeah!

00:47:08Oh, yeah!

00:47:10That's the only way I can get through today.

00:47:22Jeez, man, don't drop it on us.

00:47:24Yeah, what are you doing?

00:47:26I'm trying to see if Lisa's still here.

00:47:28Why?

00:47:30Anything?

00:47:32No.

00:47:34She must really be gone.

00:47:36I didn't want to embarrass you, Neil,

00:47:38but now I really don't care!

00:47:40I want my bras back!

00:47:42Guys, do you know what this means?

00:47:44That you finally have the support you always dreamed of.

00:47:46No, that I can't sense her anymore.

00:47:48She must be getting around it somehow.

00:47:50Maybe you don't sense your ex-girlfriends,

00:47:52but you only sense people who think of you

00:47:54as an ex-boyfriend,

00:47:56which would mean, if she's starting to like you again,

00:47:58you can't sense her.

00:48:00That's ridiculous.

00:48:02Get off the couch, Eric.

00:48:04But, no, no, no more ridiculous ideas.

00:48:06I don't know, guys.

00:48:08I think I'm onto something.

00:48:10If she's thinking of you as a boyfriend

00:48:12and all the mushy stuff that comes along with that,

00:48:14I could definitely explain why you can't sense her.

00:48:16It'd be like if she doesn't kill me,

00:48:18let alone while thinking of me as a boyfriend when she doesn't.

00:48:20Oh, God, this is divine.

00:48:22TV is so much nicer with luxury seating.

00:48:24You guys are so lame!

00:48:26All you do is watch TV!

00:48:28Neil, I'm leaving!

00:48:30Sure this time?

00:48:32Is she really going?

00:48:34This could be it, Neil.

00:48:36She might really be leaving.

00:48:38Who cares?

00:48:40Shh!

00:48:42Seriously, you gotta just chill out, man.

00:48:44Come on.

00:48:46Uh-oh.

00:48:48Shit!

00:48:52She's coming in.

00:48:54Do something.

00:48:56What do you want me to do?

00:48:58Lock the door.

00:49:00It is locked.

00:49:02Come on, Eric, go!

00:49:04I don't want to impede their love.

00:49:06Eric!

00:49:08I thought you said this was locked.

00:49:10I thought it was locked.

00:49:12Guys, it is locked.

00:49:14Fucking dork!

00:49:16Fucking slumlord!

00:49:18Damn it, Lisa, just go away!

00:49:20You guys, it's just me!

00:49:22Scott?

00:49:24Jeez, what the hell was that about?

00:49:26Sorry, I forgot you were coming.

00:49:28Why didn't you call?

00:49:30I did call. You weren't picking up your phone.

00:49:32I mean, we even called the house phone, too.

00:49:34We? Oh, great, that's it. I'm done.

00:49:36What's wrong, Matt?

00:49:38Shannon?

00:49:40Yeah, we had the double date tonight, remember?

00:49:42A bee in her bonnet.

00:49:44A bee in her bonnet?

00:49:46Yeah, like she's pissed off.

00:49:48Why didn't you say that?

00:49:50What did you do to her?

00:49:52Me? I didn't do anything.

00:49:54Well, you must have, otherwise she wouldn't be mad.

00:49:56Why do you have to say it like that?

00:49:58Because if you didn't start something or just listen to her,

00:50:00then she wouldn't be flipping out right now.

00:50:02She's crazy, why would I...

00:50:04Dude, no, don't.

00:50:06Sometimes it's just easier.

00:50:08Good boy.

00:50:10Now, shall we?

00:50:12I don't want to be a third wheel. I'm fine just watching TV.

00:50:14Come on, we have tickets already.

00:50:16Why don't you just beg Lisa for her forgiveness

00:50:18and smooth it over with some flowers and chocolate?

00:50:20Yeah, this can still work out.

00:50:22Um, you know what, Shannon?

00:50:24Maybe we can cancel tonight.

00:50:26I mean, there are other things we can do.

00:50:28No, no, we're not just going to...

00:50:32It's been like this all day, Eric.

00:50:34Yep, it's not so bad.

00:50:36I just think Lisa and Neil aren't completely over.

00:50:38Wait, they broke up?

00:50:40Supposedly.

00:50:42I think that right now,

00:50:44they're more concerned with what each other thinks of the other.

00:50:46What?

00:50:48Neil thinks Lisa wants to kill him.

00:50:50Oh.

00:50:52Would she?

00:50:54I think she still loves him,

00:50:56but Matt would say otherwise.

00:50:58Matt, huh?

00:51:00Here you go.

00:51:12Here you go, champ.

00:51:26You lost your calf privileges, huh?

00:51:28Yeah.

00:51:30You, uh, do know there were chairs here, right?

00:51:32We can't use those.

00:51:34That would break with tradition.

00:51:40So...

00:51:42this is it?

00:51:44Listen, I don't know how you slipped past our defenses,

00:51:46but you should be on some double trouble date with Neil and Lisa.

00:51:48But you screwed that up, and now you're sitting here with us.

00:51:50Enjoy the privilege.

00:51:52Wow, I didn't mean to offend your child, Matt.

00:51:54I just wanted to shed a little light on this matter of obsession

00:51:56and not a light coming from a box.

00:51:58No, you just wanted us to know

00:52:00that you're against our TV-watching ways.

00:52:02What's so wrong with this?

00:52:04What do you got here?

00:52:06Pizza pie. It's for a TV-watching experience.

00:52:08You want some?

00:52:10No, thanks.

00:52:12I was talking to Scott.

00:52:14So, Neil, don't you think you should see what Lisa's doing?

00:52:16He's fine right here, watching some top-notch programming.

00:52:18I was talking to Neil.

00:52:20Oh.

00:52:22I really don't think it's such a good idea.

00:52:24Just toast or burn some of them away.

00:52:26This is what I'm trying to say.

00:52:28That toasted bread has fewer calories?

00:52:30No, that Neil shouldn't be led around by Matt.

00:52:32I'm not leading him around.

00:52:34Oh, yeah? Well, then why doesn't Neil try getting back together with her?

00:52:36She told me things were really heating up between you two.

00:52:38Yeah, I bet they were heating up.

00:52:40What is that supposed to mean?

00:52:42Look, girls think every relationship is some kind of firework show.

00:52:44Like, every love is supposed to be a set of rose-petaled trails and palms.

00:52:46It's a fabrication by the media,

00:52:48depicting a world of rainbows and lollipops,

00:52:50making it real tough on guys everywhere.

00:52:52Sometimes guys just want to hang out with guys,

00:52:54kick it back, shoot the shit.

00:52:56What is so wrong with that?

00:52:58If guys worked a little harder at what they claim to love,

00:53:00then there wouldn't be trouble in love land.

00:53:02Guys are too preoccupied with

00:53:04what their next meal is

00:53:06or when the next TV show is on

00:53:08to give a damn at a relationship.

00:53:10Hey!

00:53:12Is that my Scott?

00:53:14That's because Scott is whipped beyond belief.

00:53:16No, he's not.

00:53:18He totally is.

00:53:20I'm jealous.

00:53:22Yeah, sure, I want to be just like Scott.

00:53:24I read your book the other day, by the way, The Whipping Boy.

00:53:26You don't read books, Matt.

00:53:28Good one, Eric.

00:53:30Scott, tell him you're not whipped.

00:53:32Scott, tell him.

00:53:34I'm not whipped!

00:53:36See?

00:53:38Wow. Yeah, you proved me wrong.

00:53:40That was kind of...

00:53:42Gross?

00:53:44What?

00:53:46You just bent over backwards for us, Scott.

00:53:48You snapped like a twig bridge.

00:53:50Oh, I did not bend for her.

00:53:52Dude, you totally did.

00:53:54No, he didn't.

00:53:56Scott, stand up for yourself.

00:53:58I didn't, guys.

00:54:00Jeez, Scott.

00:54:02Stop.

00:54:04I'm sorry you have to see this, Eric.

00:54:06This is not a good model for a growing boy.

00:54:08Matt, you are something else.

00:54:10You think that you're the ringleader

00:54:12now that Neil is out of a girlfriend.

00:54:14Well, he didn't make her flip out.

00:54:16You guys as well have.

00:54:18Matt's sense of being in a relationship

00:54:20is that he's made out with a couple of M.D.

00:54:22more times than he needs to.

00:54:24You have no...

00:54:26Me what?

00:54:28It's sort of unsettling knowing that this couch

00:54:30has seen more ass than you ever will.

00:54:32You have no idea what you're talking about.

00:54:34Oh, no?

00:54:36Have I stuck a nerve with you, Matt?

00:54:38I just want you to get a little taste of your own medicine.

00:54:40Jeez, Scott, are you kidding me?

00:54:42Shut up, Eric.

00:54:44Matt, boost yourself up.

00:54:46Are you done yet?

00:54:48Do you like it?

00:54:50Like what?

00:54:52The satisfaction of making other people's lives

00:54:54feel broken and imperfect, thus completing your own.

00:54:56Come on, Shannon.

00:54:58I know.

00:55:00I just think we've had these tickets forever.

00:55:02And Matt's gone and ruined Neil's relationship

00:55:04for his own satisfaction.

00:55:06I didn't ruin anything.

00:55:08Well, you did tell him to start trying to lead his life without Lisa.

00:55:10I didn't make the decision for him.

00:55:12But you had a big influence.

00:55:14I'm just trying to bring that to light.

00:55:16That's what I've been hearing, but Matt over here

00:55:18is too deaf and dumb to take it to heart.

00:55:20Yeah, if I thought what you said made any sort of sense,

00:55:22I wouldn't do this.

00:55:24Do what?

00:55:26Now, you see, what we have here is the beautiful Worcester skyline,

00:55:28covered in trees.

00:55:30But thanks to the saving grace of the Asian longhorn beetle,

00:55:32these god-awful obstructions will soon be gone.

00:55:34Forever.

00:55:36Come on, get out of here.

00:55:38I'm working on that damn thing.

00:55:40I don't want to test.

00:55:42I'm afraid you'll never be a doctor.

00:55:46Okay, okay, I'll give you your diploma.

00:55:48You and that hot damn camera.

00:55:50Captain freaking video.

00:55:52All right, are you done now?

00:55:54Yo, this ain't your grandmama's show.

00:55:56It's Dope TV.

00:55:58Just call up, and we'll do s***.

00:56:001-800-DOPE-TV.

00:56:02What, that's not enough numbers?

00:56:04Put a pound sign in there.

00:56:06Anywhere. We'll figure it out.

00:56:08Dope TV!

00:56:12Now's my chance.

00:56:14Scott and Shannon have never played this before.

00:56:16They won't know what hit them.

00:56:18What if I don't make it?

00:56:20I will.

00:56:22Let's do it.

00:56:24I sure could use a drink.

00:56:38What?

00:56:40How?

00:56:42Take the walk, Eric.

00:56:44I'm sorry, Eric.

00:56:46You know you don't have to do this.

00:56:48Matt says it's the rules.

00:56:50I was the last one to touch my nose.

00:56:52Matt also says that dogs roll around

00:56:54in the dirt for minerals.

00:56:56Really? Well, then how do they get

00:56:58such nice, shiny coats then?

00:57:00The point is, you don't have to be listening to him.

00:57:02Yeah, maybe.

00:57:04I don't know.

00:57:06Yeah, maybe.

00:57:08But this is how it is.

00:57:14See? I didn't make that choice for him.

00:57:16Well, you could have influenced him

00:57:18to make the right decision.

00:57:20What is right, anyway? He's got you there.

00:57:22Scott, don't team up with him.

00:57:24Neil, haven't you had enough of this?

00:57:26I don't think the situation is improving.

00:57:28Why aren't you listening to Eric?

00:57:30Eric? I tried,

00:57:32and it just stirred up some old flames.

00:57:34I don't think Lisa's ever gonna change.

00:57:36Besides, what's wrong with all this?

00:57:38This? This slump of mindlessness?

00:57:40Hey, watch it, alright?

00:57:42You're treading on thin ice.

00:57:44This is my sphere of entertainment you're talking about.

00:57:46Sphere of entertainment? Don't make it sound so regal.

00:57:48This place has been tuned to perform at its peak level.

00:57:50You blocked the windows with posters.

00:57:52Well, there is a nasty glare without them.

00:57:54You have a giant-ass remote that you talk to.

00:57:56Hey, whoa! Don't talk about Howie that way.

00:57:58Yeah, he's family.

00:58:00I'm just saying that this sphere

00:58:02needs an environment to grow.

00:58:04Come on, Shannon, it's kind of nice. It's quiet, quaint.

00:58:06I mean, we don't really sit around like this that often.

00:58:08We're always doing stuff.

00:58:10Right.

00:58:12This is why I don't let you watch TV. It sucks you in.

00:58:14That's why I don't let you go back to Lisa.

00:58:16See? You are holding him back.

00:58:18She's just gonna continue to hate and hurt until she gets her stuff back.

00:58:20Then why don't you just give it all back then?

00:58:22Yeah, lure her back here and just smack her.

00:58:24You want me to go to jail, dude?

00:58:26Hey, just don't call me, remember?

00:58:28Matt, you're terrible.

00:58:30Oh, you would say that, you caveman.

00:58:32Hey, just saying.

00:58:34Well, you shouldn't.

00:58:36Say something, Scott.

00:58:38Uh, yeah.

00:58:40Yeah, Matt, don't say such things.

00:58:44I'm just saying.

00:58:46If I had to deal with someone like Lisa,

00:58:48I could take a smack every now and then when they're out of line.

00:58:50Equal rights means equal opportunity to defend oneself.

00:58:52Yeah, I don't think it works like that.

00:58:54I mean, just because you, you know, spend time with your lover,

00:58:56you know, listen to her wants and needs,

00:58:58you know, you can just put some tampons in your pocket

00:59:00for her once in a while.

00:59:02It doesn't give you the right to beat a woman.

00:59:04Tampons in the pocket?

00:59:06Dude.

00:59:08What?

00:59:10There are just some lines that shouldn't be crossed.

00:59:12You put tampons in your pocket.

00:59:14You make him put tampons in his pocket.

00:59:16When we go hiking or wherever,

00:59:18a purse would be a burden.

00:59:20Well, don't touch them!

00:59:22Dude, that's not the point. That's a violation of your personal space.

00:59:24You're violating his personal space.

00:59:26What's the big deal?

00:59:28What if you get pulled over by the cops or something and they search you?

00:59:30You're gonna look like some kind of weirdo.

00:59:32You gotta defend your limits, dude.

00:59:34I mean, with girls, you gotta be ruthless.

00:59:36Oh, is that panning out for you?

00:59:38It's not like you look like a dead dog carrier.

00:59:40Scott, don't.

00:59:42Oh, it's about her? Do tell.

00:59:44Happened back in Beantown.

00:59:46Shannon carries around dead dogs. You carry around dead dogs.

00:59:48It's more than just that.

00:59:50How can it be more than that?

00:59:52It has to do with my friend's dog.

00:59:54I put the dog into some luggage

00:59:56to take it to the vet, and

00:59:58as I was getting up to the subway,

01:00:00a guy stopped to help me because I was struggling.

01:00:02And why am I even telling you this?

01:00:04Oh, you're too far in. You can't stop now.

01:00:06I don't want Matt to hear it.

01:00:08Just cover your ears.

01:00:10Well,

01:00:12he asked me why I had such heavy luggage,

01:00:14and I told him it was computer parts.

01:00:16And when I got to my stop,

01:00:18I went to thank him,

01:00:20and he punched me in the face,

01:00:22and he ran.

01:00:24He punched you in the face?

01:00:26Damn it, Matt!

01:00:28He really punched you in the face?

01:00:30Yeah, he did.

01:00:32I couldn't believe it either.

01:00:34What did the guy seem like? Was he sketchy looking?

01:00:36No, the guy was in a suit and tie.

01:00:38It was totally unexpected.

01:00:40Like I must think you're some kind of freak

01:00:42carrying around dead dogs.

01:00:44You're going to get remembered as the girl

01:00:46who carries around dead dogs forever.

01:00:48It just goes to show you that men are up to no good.

01:00:50They've got their own damn dead dog.

01:00:52See, Neil, this is why you shouldn't be getting back with Lisa.

01:00:54She's just going to end up killing your dog.

01:00:56Well, I don't have a dog.

01:00:58Yeah, and you don't have tampons in your pockets either.

01:01:00That's true. I don't want that.

01:01:02Scott, let's salvage this night and go see that play.

01:01:04Do we have to?

01:01:06Yes, Scott. Look at this place.

01:01:08What does it have that makes you want to stay in this dump?

01:01:10A cave of entertainment.

01:01:12Come on, Scott. I'm done here.

01:01:14You're blocking the damn TV.

01:01:16Scott, we're leaving.

01:01:18You know what?

01:01:20I think I'm going to stay.

01:01:22Call your girlfriend to go out with you.

01:01:24Excuse me?

01:01:26Dude, reconsider.

01:01:28I don't know what you're trying to pull here, Matt,

01:01:30but I have worked too hard on this one

01:01:32to let some brain box

01:01:34pose a bigger influence on him than me.

01:01:36Just go. Just go.

01:01:38Save us. This could get worse.

01:01:40I just want to watch TV with the guys.

01:01:42Yeah, you want that?

01:01:44Yeah, I do.

01:01:46And you two,

01:01:48you better stop blocking this thing

01:01:50before you choke on stupid.

01:02:04Eric, we're leaving.

01:02:06What? Larry Singer is on next.

01:02:08We love him.

01:02:10Do you really like being here with them?

01:02:12You know, Shannon,

01:02:14sometimes it's just easier.

01:02:16Yeah, and cheaper sometimes, too.

01:02:18Scott, we're going.

01:02:20Yes, ma'am.

01:02:22Boys.

01:02:24We have a unique bond here.

01:02:26Maybe you just can't see it.

01:02:28I just know what works for me and Scott.

01:02:30But I want you to think

01:02:32about what you could be missing in the rest of the world.

01:02:34We're making our own memories here.

01:02:36What's so good about the rest of the world?

01:02:38What about

01:02:40starting a relationship

01:02:42and having a family?

01:02:44I have a family.

01:02:46One where their IQ passes their age.

01:02:48I like my friends.

01:02:50You like your couch spot, too.

01:02:52Yeah.

01:02:54I'm just saying,

01:02:56I think Matt's been shaken up

01:02:58with a woman on his turf.

01:03:00Maybe with his defenses down,

01:03:02you can get your point across to Neil.

01:03:04Eric, Singer's starting.

01:03:06Coming.

01:03:08Bye, Shannon.

01:03:10Hey, Eric.

01:03:12How's the MD?

01:03:14Just fine, Matt.

01:03:16Gotta pick your battles, man.

01:03:18So, they gone or what?

01:03:20Yeah, they're gone.

01:03:22Man, I was getting worried.

01:03:24I hate having to defend my sphere from women.

01:03:26Matt, what's a chode?

01:03:28What?

01:03:30Before, you called me a chode. What's that?

01:03:32Oh, geez. Well, it's like a...

01:03:36It's like a... It's a chode.

01:03:38It's...

01:03:40It's like, um...

01:03:42It's sort of like...

01:03:44Kind of...

01:03:46Down here, or something?

01:03:48Like, I guess...

01:03:50What the hell is that? That doesn't tell me shit.

01:03:52Well, screw you. It's hard to describe.

01:03:54Sure as hell try.

01:03:56No way. I'm just taking a page out of your book.

01:03:58You can't do that.

01:04:00I just did, you stupid chode.

01:04:02What do you even want to know, anyway?

01:04:04Because I keep a list of everything you call me on my blog.

01:04:06You know, a chode of a fishhead.

01:04:10Thanks, Neil. You're always there to help me out.

01:04:12Alright, look. I got it.

01:04:14You remember Brian from school?

01:04:16Who?

01:04:18Brian. He was all, like, tiny and deformed.

01:04:20Had, like, short arms and fingers and shit like that.

01:04:22Oh, yeah. Didn't he have some rare deformation that screwed with his bones?

01:04:24I don't know.

01:04:26Anyway, he's chodey.

01:04:28Huh. Well, I'm still not really clear on what a chode is,

01:04:30but I guess I'll just think of Brian whenever I hear it.

01:04:32Great.

01:04:34Poor guy can't go one day without someone using his physical deformations as an example.

01:04:36If it gets used as an example, it helps the learning process.

01:04:40It shouldn't always be painted in a negative light like that.

01:04:42Now Eric's gonna think of Brian every time he hears chode.

01:04:44Sorry. Object association's the best way to remember it.

01:04:46That's how I do it.

01:04:48What, do you associate girls with, like,

01:04:50knives or pain or something?

01:04:52No way. Above all that, my wallet.

01:04:54I just gotta remember how much girls I actually require.

01:04:56Unless you find one with a good rate.

01:04:58Of course.

01:05:00You ever think that letting a girl into your life

01:05:02might actually change it for the better?

01:05:04No.

01:05:06Couldn't picture a man with a significant other.

01:05:08Unless she was totally succumbing to his demands.

01:05:10Unable to stay quiet.

01:05:12Unable to react quickly to changing circumstances.

01:05:14Like a computer.

01:05:16So you're saying I need a robot girlfriend?

01:05:18Oh, yeah.

01:05:20I'm sure your thumb drive will fit her USB port just fine.

01:05:22At least not like Brian.

01:05:24Chode?

01:05:26Oh, come on.

01:05:28All I'm saying is, he's so short and squat.

01:05:30What if we have a dwarf?

01:05:32I thought he was a chode.

01:05:34Same thing. Just my thumb drive functions way better than his tunic-and-dick.

01:05:36What?

01:05:38Dwarves are so chodey and squat and short,

01:05:40they gotta have tunic-and-dicks.

01:05:42I'll never look at Gimli the same way again.

01:05:44Just a fact of life.

01:05:46Poor guy. It's gotta be tough handling a thumb nose like that.

01:05:48He probably deals with it the same way

01:05:50we all deal with our small problems.

01:05:52Reading a book.

01:05:56Just kidding.

01:05:58You know what?

01:06:00Let's bring him out.

01:06:02Yeah!

01:06:04Bullshit!

01:06:06Bullshit!

01:06:08He's my man.

01:06:10No, just because you were born a man.

01:06:12Let's get resolution.

01:06:14That's resolution.

01:06:16That is resolution.

01:06:18Oh, oh, oh!

01:06:20Think about it.

01:06:22That was my kid.

01:06:24That was my kid.

01:06:26You fucking faggot!

01:06:28You fucking faggot!

01:06:30Oh, big dick!

01:06:32Big dick!

01:06:34I'll beat you up.

01:06:36No, I'll throw in this chair.

01:06:38I'll throw in this chair.

01:06:40No!

01:06:44Wow.

01:06:46There's so much swearing on this show.

01:06:48Why do they have to beep it out?

01:06:50Yeah, I know. We know what they're saying.

01:06:52Why can't they just let it go?

01:06:54I don't know.

01:06:56I don't know.

01:06:58I don't know.

01:07:00I don't know.

01:07:02I don't know.

01:07:04I don't know.

01:07:06I don't know.

01:07:08I don't know.

01:07:10I don't know.

01:07:12I don't know.

01:07:14I don't know.

01:07:16I don't know.

01:07:18I don't know.

01:07:20I don't know.

01:07:22I don't know.

01:07:24I don't know.

01:07:26I don't know.

01:07:28I don't know.

01:07:30I don't know.

01:07:32I don't know.

01:07:34I don't know.

01:07:36I don't know.

01:07:38I don't know.

01:07:40I don't know.

01:07:42I don't know.

01:07:44I don't know.

01:07:46I don't know.

01:07:48I don't know.

01:07:50I don't know.

01:07:52I don't know.

01:07:54I don't know.

01:07:56I don't know.

01:07:58I don't know.

01:08:00I don't know.

01:08:02I don't know.

01:08:04I don't know.

01:08:06I don't know.

01:08:08I don't know.

01:08:10I don't know.

01:08:12I don't know.

01:08:14I don't know.

01:08:16I don't know.

01:08:18Okay, whatever.

01:08:20Can I get back on the couch now?

01:08:22Sorry, Eric. The couch is for winners.

01:08:24Nah, he's right.

01:08:26Bullshit!

01:08:28I am sick and tired of this, Matt.

01:08:30You are not right.

01:08:32Turn off the TV.

01:08:34Fuck no.

01:08:36Hey, hey, what the f-

01:08:38I've tried to be nice, but I don't think I can take it anymore.

01:08:40Eric, turn off the fucking TV.

01:08:42Quiet!

01:08:44Do you hear that?

01:08:46God.

01:08:50It is quiet.

01:08:52Maybe Lisa's really gone.

01:08:54Exactly, they watched TV in peace.

01:08:56No, Matt. I have to do this.

01:08:58Maybe she's still here.

01:09:00And maybe she's not.

01:09:02Maybe we should go check.

01:09:04I still think there's something here, Neil.

01:09:06You and Lisa have been longing for each other, but you express it through your anger.

01:09:08It's too dangerous.

01:09:10This could all be part of her plan.

01:09:12Or in your case, it's paranoia.

01:09:14I don't know, Eric. What's going to change now?

01:09:16You, Neil. You have to change.

01:09:18You can't keep wanting what other people want you to want.

01:09:20You have to want whatever it is that you really do want.

01:09:22What?

01:09:24A life living fear is a life half-lived.

01:09:26It sounds to me like you don't want Lisa to be gone.

01:09:28Aren't you at least curious whether she wants you back or not?

01:09:30Or do you just want to watch some more TV?

01:09:32No way, Neil. Look, this is for the better, alright?

01:09:34You can watch way more TV without her.

01:09:36Don't you want more than that, Neil?

01:09:38I do.

01:09:40What if she's waiting for you right now?

01:09:42She's been trying, but you keep the door locked.

01:09:44Shittily.

01:09:46What do you want, Eric?

01:09:48It doesn't matter what I want.

01:09:50I just want to help you make the right choice.

01:09:52We should check if she's still here.

01:09:54Matt, go get the door.

01:09:56Eric, check that window. I'll get this one.

01:09:58Ready? Go.

01:10:06Clear.

01:10:08Clear.

01:10:12All clear here, too.

01:10:14I guess she's really gone.

01:10:16I wonder where she went.

01:10:18Who cares? Seriously, dude.

01:10:20It's probably just post-traumatic breakup residue or something.

01:10:22It'll pass.

01:10:24Look, we got a good thing here.

01:10:26Let's just keep it forever, yeah?

01:10:28I just thought I was onto something.

01:10:30Jeez, Bruce.

01:10:32Thanks for coming out here on such short notice to see me.

01:10:34I know you have that deadline for that new office building next Monday,

01:10:36and your car just got towed, and...

01:10:38Hey, I only have to take two buses and a cab to get here.

01:10:40You're worth it.

01:10:42Thanks.

01:10:44I just really needed to talk to someone.

01:10:46I can see that.

01:10:48You sounded distressed when I talked to her on the phone.

01:10:50Yeah. I don't really want to talk about that.

01:10:52I just want to talk to someone else about anything else.

01:10:54Okay.

01:10:56How about politics?

01:10:58No way! Politics are terrible.

01:11:00It's about who has the most pool and the most money.

01:11:02It's not even a representation of the people anymore.

01:11:04Don't even get me started.

01:11:06Okay, fine.

01:11:08Um, how about superpowers?

01:11:10Oh, yeah?

01:11:12What about them?

01:11:14I've just always had this theory that

01:11:16everyone has a secret power hidden inside of them.

01:11:18You mean how

01:11:20Bruce Wayne is really Batman?

01:11:22No, even less than that.

01:11:24I just think that everyone has something inside of them,

01:11:26like a power or a talent.

01:11:28Besides, Batman isn't a superhero.

01:11:32So, it's something you're born with?

01:11:34Yeah. Maybe something trivial, like

01:11:36the ability to always know where your car keys are.

01:11:38Or maybe something so great

01:11:40that the government has to snatch you up

01:11:42and erase your existence.

01:11:44But I think everyone has something.

01:11:46Right.

01:11:48Surely you have some evidence to back this up.

01:11:50Well, take my power, for instance.

01:11:52Your power to make little babies cry

01:11:54by looking at them?

01:11:56No, silly.

01:11:58I have the power to instill desire in females.

01:12:00Hahaha!

01:12:04Oh, you're serious?

01:12:06Hahaha!

01:12:08Fat lad, that did you. You're still a virgin.

01:12:10That's by choice.

01:12:14Well, how come you've never used this on me?

01:12:16Because it goes against my superhero code of ethics.

01:12:20I would never enchant a taken woman.

01:12:22Let's not bring him into this.

01:12:24Sorry, I didn't mean anything by it.

01:12:26I was just trying to prove my power.

01:12:28You're doing a very good job.

01:12:30It seems like all men think they have this power

01:12:32by force or wealth.

01:12:34It's not too attractive, if you ask me.

01:12:36I enjoy a man

01:12:38who needs his woman.

01:12:40Who can't sleep

01:12:42if she's not next to him.

01:12:44A pushover.

01:12:46A romantic.

01:12:48Hey!

01:12:50Aha! Did you notice anything

01:12:52strange about that?

01:12:54That people in the city would step on you

01:12:56as soon as they look at you?

01:12:58No. What we just saw was a byproduct

01:13:00of Homeless Al's superpower.

01:13:02His power?

01:13:04To live off baked beans and brandy?

01:13:06No.

01:13:08Judging by his survival rate,

01:13:10Homeless Al has the ability to survive hypothermia every night.

01:13:12Which is a pretty good superpower

01:13:14for a homeless guy.

01:13:16But it comes at great cost.

01:13:18Ooh, the plot thickens.

01:13:20Yep. No one seems to notice him

01:13:22as they walk by.

01:13:24Because he's practically invisible.

01:13:26A tragic superhero flaw.

01:13:28So instead of proving that

01:13:30everyone has a superpower,

01:13:32you just proved that everyone in the city

01:13:34is an asshole. Congratulations.

01:13:36Alright. Well, take Nelson here.

01:13:38Nelson?

01:13:40Ooh, does he share your power over women?

01:13:42No.

01:13:44Nelson has the ability to instantly

01:13:46transform his environment into a kung fu movie.

01:13:48I have yet to see it.

01:13:50But someday it will be a spectacle to behold.

01:13:52Okay.

01:13:54But may I believe you?

01:13:56What would my superpower be?

01:13:58I've always wanted to be in a musical.

01:14:00Or blow up my ex-boyfriend with my brains.

01:14:02Well, that's radically different.

01:14:04Um, but how about something more useful?

01:14:06Like the ability to move on.

01:14:08Let go.

01:14:10Let go?

01:14:12Like, let go of my hair?

01:14:14No.

01:14:16Like, let go of my hands around his throat?

01:14:18No, I mean,

01:14:20turn the other cheek.

01:14:22Look to greener pastures.

01:14:24Go out with someone who thinks you're smart,

01:14:26funny, and beautiful.

01:14:28That'd be like giving up without a fight.

01:14:30Well, maybe that someone is right in front of you

01:14:32and you haven't even noticed it yet.

01:14:34Huh? Sorry, I was thinking.

01:14:36God, I must have hit you hard when he dumped you.

01:14:38Is that what he's telling people?

01:14:40I dumped him.

01:14:42What? Are you kidding me?

01:14:44You're an idiot.

01:14:46Um, I can't say.

01:14:48Look, Lisa, I mean this in the nicest way possible.

01:14:50You need psychiatric help.

01:14:52The only reason that you still pursue someone,

01:14:54someone that you dumped,

01:14:56is that you have serious mental issues.

01:14:58Or that you still seriously like the person.

01:15:02I think you need to move on.

01:15:04Hmm.

01:15:06I never thought about it that way.

01:15:08You're right.

01:15:14Yeah?

01:15:16Yeah.

01:15:18I don't know how I could have been so blind.

01:15:20Lisa, I...

01:15:22It was never about getting my stuff back.

01:15:24Thanks, Bruce.

01:15:30Lisa, wait! I...

01:15:34Fuck!

01:15:44Fuck!

01:16:14Fuck!

01:16:28Lisa!

01:16:30Neil, take me back.

01:16:32You mean it?

01:16:34If there was a reason my ex-girlfriend Satchel wasn't tingling anymore,

01:16:36it must be because you really love me.

01:16:38How could I ever leave you?

01:16:40How could I ever let you go?

01:16:44No, dude, no!

01:16:46Fuck you, too.

01:16:48Eric, shut the fuck up!

01:16:54My remote!

01:16:58You're keeping this, too?

01:17:02Steal my stuff?

01:17:10And this is for my bra?

01:17:12I haven't been able to change my channels, Neil.

01:17:18I thought you might have changed, but you still only care about TV.

01:17:20But I have changed. I'm choosing you.

01:17:22Dammit, Neil, you are never going to change.

01:17:26I have done everything for you, Neil,

01:17:28and you just sit and be controlled.

01:17:30Well, not anymore.

01:17:36Lisa, no!

01:17:38Howie, no!

01:17:40Howie!

01:17:42She took the remote.

01:17:44You can't change this shit.

01:17:46It's not even TV.

01:17:48Damn you and your TV.

01:17:50It's what got me in this mess in the first place.

01:17:52Hey, it's what we have together, dude.

01:17:54Yeah, don't blame him and the TV.

01:17:56This is your fault.

01:17:58Shut up, Eric.

01:18:00Don't pass the blame around.

01:18:02You're the one who lost everything,

01:18:04so do something about it.

01:18:06If you want Lisa, go get her.

01:18:08Come on, man, now we got nothing.

01:18:10What kept us together is gone.

01:18:12You know, maybe Lisa is a little off-kilter,

01:18:14but I can't tell you if you love her or not.

01:18:18Forget this, man. Goddammit, Neil.

01:18:38I love you.

01:18:42Me too.

01:19:08I've got a story to tell

01:19:10I cry, I dream, I'm an idiot

01:19:12I don't like to die, never

01:19:14I run away when the story is true

01:19:16I dream that I want to talk

01:19:18Look here in the streets

01:19:20You'll find the reason

01:19:34But who doesn't know

01:19:36There's a man who died for freedom

01:19:54You preach to me from above

01:19:56You spread love and life

01:19:58For the mistakes and for the idiocy

01:20:00The dream that has two children

01:20:02And doesn't welcome ideals and betrayals

01:20:04It's a long path of utopia

01:20:06But the sun and the moon

01:20:08Are the bearers of democracy

01:20:10They have seen us throwing ourselves

01:20:12Into the mud with our utopia

01:20:14We live for love, betrayal and reality

01:20:16We know how to throw ourselves into the mud

01:20:18And raise our city

01:20:34Stop the cab!

01:20:50Neil, you came back.

01:20:52I had to.

01:20:54I had a big choice to make

01:20:56And you were a really big part in it.

01:20:58I'm sorry.

01:21:00I'm sorry.

01:21:02You were a really big part in it.

01:21:06Dammit.

01:21:08I can't believe this.

01:21:10My sphere's been under siege all day

01:21:12And now I'm ruined.

01:21:14Yeah, I'm gonna miss the three of us hanging out.

01:21:16Why the hell did you spur him on

01:21:18In the first place?

01:21:20I felt like this was bigger than we could perceive.

01:21:22It'd be selfish to keep him here

01:21:24For our own reasons and I wanted to help him

01:21:26Make the right choice, whatever it was.

01:21:28Oh, great.

01:21:30Now we're gonna have to find a new roommate

01:21:32From the look of it.

01:21:34I wonder what Brian's up to.

01:21:36Who?

01:21:38Joe.

01:21:40Oh, yeah.

01:21:42Meh. I'm sorry.

01:21:44I didn't mean to break up our trio.

01:21:46Whatever.

01:21:48I just knew girls are more trouble than they're worth.

01:21:50You probably just have to find the right one.

01:21:52What, like Lisa?

01:21:54I have no idea what Neil even sees in her.

01:21:56Why the hell did you put him up to this, Eric?

01:21:58I don't think either of us knows what's best for him.

01:22:02Oh, look.

01:22:04Here come the lovebirds now.

01:22:14Crazy psycho bitch.

01:22:28Oh, my God.

01:22:58Done good, Neil.

01:23:00Now we can eat.

01:23:04Fuck.

01:23:28Fuck.

01:23:58Fuck.

01:24:28Fuck.

01:24:58Damn.

01:25:00With all this pizza pie,

01:25:02I sure could use a drink.

01:25:04Shit.

Something Remote (2009) - (Comedy, Drama)

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