Kellyanne Conway Did A Stand-Up Comedy Bit
For better or for worse, Kellyanne Conway has been in the news a lot lately — okay for worse.
The news pundit has a shiny position in Donald Trump's White House, as Counselor to the President and has already channeled her inner Trump with the media. On Sunday's Meet the Press, Conway defended White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer's refusal to look at pictures of the inauguration by saying Spicer was presenting "alternative facts." Subsequently, there was a surge in purchases of George Orwell's famous dystopian novel, Nineteen-Eighty-Four.
Conway also took some heat for stealing the Nutcracker's outfit for her dress at the inauguration.
But Conway can surely handle the criticism. She has the unique ability to laugh at herself and also put herself in the position to be laughed at. Conway has done stand-up comedy. In the 1990s, she did an 11-minute bit at what looks to be a charity function and the video has recently been unearthed.
Before you hide under a rock and tremble in fear, know that it's not the most horrible stand-up ever. It is pretty damn awful, though.
As detestable a woman as Conway is, I respect anyone who puts themselves in front of an audience and tries stand up.
Now that that's out of the way, let's talk about her terrible jokes. In one part, she tries to bite the hand that feeds her by ripping cable companies for their ratings. She says if Larry King's ex-wives watched the show, the ratings would triple. Can you hear how the crowd reacts? Yeah, me either. Crickets.
She also does this bit about "pundettes," like her, which is comically self-aware, but the delivery is garbage.
And then, if you managed to make it to the end, Conway does a sexy jazz number. It's... well you can guess how it'd be. It's revolting. I honestly had to shut my eyes while watching. I'm fine without the weeks of terrifying nightmares thank you very much.
Drop This Fact
Here's a fun fact for Conway herself: "Alternative facts" aren't facts, they're lies.
For better or for worse, Kellyanne Conway has been in the news a lot lately — okay for worse.
The news pundit has a shiny position in Donald Trump's White House, as Counselor to the President and has already channeled her inner Trump with the media. On Sunday's Meet the Press, Conway defended White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer's refusal to look at pictures of the inauguration by saying Spicer was presenting "alternative facts." Subsequently, there was a surge in purchases of George Orwell's famous dystopian novel, Nineteen-Eighty-Four.
Conway also took some heat for stealing the Nutcracker's outfit for her dress at the inauguration.
But Conway can surely handle the criticism. She has the unique ability to laugh at herself and also put herself in the position to be laughed at. Conway has done stand-up comedy. In the 1990s, she did an 11-minute bit at what looks to be a charity function and the video has recently been unearthed.
Before you hide under a rock and tremble in fear, know that it's not the most horrible stand-up ever. It is pretty damn awful, though.
As detestable a woman as Conway is, I respect anyone who puts themselves in front of an audience and tries stand up.
Now that that's out of the way, let's talk about her terrible jokes. In one part, she tries to bite the hand that feeds her by ripping cable companies for their ratings. She says if Larry King's ex-wives watched the show, the ratings would triple. Can you hear how the crowd reacts? Yeah, me either. Crickets.
She also does this bit about "pundettes," like her, which is comically self-aware, but the delivery is garbage.
And then, if you managed to make it to the end, Conway does a sexy jazz number. It's... well you can guess how it'd be. It's revolting. I honestly had to shut my eyes while watching. I'm fine without the weeks of terrifying nightmares thank you very much.
Drop This Fact
Here's a fun fact for Conway herself: "Alternative facts" aren't facts, they're lies.
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Short filmTranscript
00:00Hi everybody. Hey, thanks so much for having me here tonight. Before I get started, I want
00:11to tell you the funniest thing happened to me today. You know when you have one of those
00:14days where not one but two things that never ever happens, happens to you. I'm walking
00:19down the street, I look up and I see Haley's comment. I get back to the office and I'm
00:24accurately quoted in a Ralph Hale article. It was one of those days. But you know, everybody's
00:32wondering about my leg is the first thing they ask. Haley, what happened to your leg?
00:36I'm like, well everybody heard I was going to be in this comedy show and they're like,
00:38break a leg. So I did. You think blondes are dumb. But I thought about using the leg as
00:53an excuse. And I said, now you know what, I'll just be honest with people. They say
00:56what happened to your leg? And I said, I got surgery. And that's the truth. They assume
01:00it's wrong. Especially here in D.C. At home, in New Jersey, where I got the surgery, people
01:03ask you and they listen and they intently hear it. It's like, no, what really happened?
01:07Did you kick Susan Estridge? What really happened? And they're like, no, I have a congenital
01:12deformity. My bones were growing out. Tell me what really happened. So I came up tonight
01:17with the five reasons why Kellyanne's foot is really in a cast. Number five, Jennifer
01:23Laszlo tripped me on the set of Hannity and Combs. Number four, having just two of his
01:29own, Chris Matthews needed someone else's foot to stick in his mouth. Number three,
01:35I went salsa dancing with Jerry Nadler. Number two, I was caught between Jonathan Trilley
01:45and a camera. And the number one reason why Kellyanne's foot is really in a cast, that
01:52Fred Thompson's bizarre and kinky foot fetish. I was thinking of using it as an excuse that
02:00I'm like, well, I could just, you know, plead my foot. I don't have to go do this thing.
02:03I'll just give the money to charity. Why, you know, I'm not going to go. And then I
02:06looked at who the other contestants were. And I'm like, I've never thought I was funny
02:11until this very moment. And I saw some of the other contestants. I said, Bill Ginsburg,
02:18one God, one country, one client. Bill Thomas, the capital style, one God, one country, three
02:33readers. And I was on the cover. My mom, my grandma, my aunt. Norm Ornstein. I look at
02:44that name. I'm like, well, how could someone named Norm Ornstein be funny? Norm Ornstein
02:50when he's a baby. Coochie coo, Norm Ornstein. I said, Norm Ornstein, who is that? I've never
02:55heard that name. But it doesn't sound like someone who's funny. It sounds like someone
02:58who would be like, I don't know, like a policy wonk, like a resident scholar at AEI or something.
03:03Oh, sorry, Norm. I'm what they call a pundit. And a pundit is this new term this past year.
03:10And a pundit, what's the definition of a pundit? A lightweight, lightweight. But the real definition
03:16of a pundit is someone who goes on TV constantly and just says the same thing over and over
03:23and over again, but never wears the same outfit twice. Okay, some pundit trivia, some pundit
03:32jokes for you. How many pundits can you fit in a shower? I don't know either. They keep
03:38slipping down the drain. What do you call six pundits in a row? A wind tunnel. What's
03:45this? A pundit with rice in her throat. What's the one difference between a pundit and Ally
03:54McBeal? Ally McBeal's on a major network. I'm not just a pundit, though, and I'm hardly
04:02a pundit, but I am a pollster. I run this place called The Polling Company right down
04:05the street a block away. And the people whose salaries I pay volunteered to come tonight,
04:13so I have all of them. A new survey's out. It's not ours, but I wish it were, because
04:20a new survey says that 70% of men think about sex all of the time. The other 30% are lying.
04:29But I'm always attacking these media polls. I think there are way too many media polls
04:33now. You can't pick up a paper, turn on a show without seeing a media poll. So I'm always
04:37saying, you know, media poll, okay. They'll say, okay, Kelly, I'm going to attack it.
04:39Go ahead. Why? I'm like, well, look at the sample size. 400. Is this a national survey
04:44or a small Jewish wedding on Long Island? But you know, MSNBC did a good poll recently.
04:52MSNBC actually did what no other media outlet had ever done. They polled every single viewer,
04:58every one. And here's what the 264 of them said. I know it sounds low, but eight were
05:06out at a gun show, and seven were at a Bill Buckley book signing, five at a Bill Bennett
05:16book signing, three at a cross burning, and two had switched a channel to go to Fox News
05:24Channel. So now Fox News Channel and MSNBC have the same number of viewers. I'm also
05:31a lawyer. Oh, by the way, you know, I think that nobody's watching these cable shows.
05:35I know I'm on them all the time. Not even all the people who stop me at airports and
05:38say, please tell Chris Matthews this. But I don't think anybody's really watching them.
05:42I actually think that the ratings are much lower than we all believe, and we're probably
05:46all watching. They're probably all taping them tonight. But I think if Larry King would
05:50just have all his ex-wives watch his show, his ratings would triple. That's how few people
05:54are watching this. I'm also a lawyer. Very few people know that. I don't like to admit
05:57it. I don't like to slam it on myself. I'm a lawyer. I went to GW Law School right down
06:00tall there for four years as an adjunct after I graduated. And I liked being a lawyer. I
06:07loved sitting for the bar. I haven't had that much fun since I went on a date in Washington.
06:11And sad story. But I never want to tell lawyer jokes. By the way, this is the first time
06:23I've ever done this. But had I done it ever before, I wouldn't have wanted to tell lawyer
06:27jokes because they never go over well. Any lawyers here? I can tell all the people aren't
06:33laughing, making lists in their head, looking miserable. But the lawyer jokes never go over
06:37well because the lawyers never think they're funny, and the people never think they're
06:41jokes. So I try not to tell them. But it's a true story. Very few people know that I
06:47still practice law. I still do a little bit of pro bono work right here in D.C. You've
06:51got to give back a little bit. So I do a little bit of pro bono work. I had a case
06:55recently. It would have broken your hearts. It certainly broke mine. It was a custody
07:00battle. Vicious divorce. Horrible custody battle. Parents arguing. Little Becky and
07:05little Tommy. They were up for custody. And Becky's crying in front of the judge. And
07:11the judge says, okay, you're old enough, kids. Becky, who do you want to live with? And she
07:16says, please don't make us live with Mommy because she beats us. And the judge says,
07:24okay, Tommy, who do you want to live with? He says, we can't live with Daddy because
07:32Daddy beats us. The judge says, done. Go and live with the Redskins because they don't
07:37beat anybody. Okay, you can say anything about the Eagles, my team, but we're in Washington.
07:47Of course, I do politics. I'm tired of hearing time and time again, Republicans are anti-environment,
07:56you're anti-environment. Jack Kemp has been recycling the same ideas for 20 years. That's
08:02very consistent. Year 2000, I've come up with a couple of slogans for some of the candidates
08:07in 2000. Gore, 2000, action figures sold separately. Lamar, dead men do wear plaid. George W.
08:25Bush, because. And I love this new ticket, brand new this weekend. Ross Perot and Jesse
08:34Ventura, they're going to run as a ticket because a mind and a half is a terrible thing
08:39to waste. I'm going to end with a song tonight, which should really make you laugh because
08:48I can't sing. And much has been made of this whole pundit thing and what's going to happen
08:56to us after Bill and Monica go away. So I just brought a song for you. I hope the star
09:13investigation goes on forever, but just in case it doesn't, I'm looking for a little
09:18bit of work. Now that everybody gets lawyers, pollsters, pundits, I don't know what the
09:22hell to do. I've got the pundit blues. I've got the pundit blues. All year I've kept the
09:40pace. On TV took my place. Lots of makeup on my face and sexy dress of lace. Said the
09:49president's a big disgrace. Insist Paula had a case. Chatted about the disaffected base.
09:57But now I've got the pundit blues. Kosovo now tops the news. Only guy in my life is
10:09Chris Matthews. I've got the pundit blues. Newt left for Georgia on the midnight train.
10:22House Republicans made no gains. Lead story now is Saddam Hussein. And I don't know
10:32nothing about that. But they'll still invite me to chat. As long as I'm blonde and not
10:39too fat. I've got the pundit blues. I've got the pundit blues. Read the star report and
10:51all I could find is that Clinton's sex life is better than mine. With impeachment now
11:01dead and Rivera still alive. How's a lowly pundit gonna survive? On rice cakes and quotes
11:15in the Washington Times, I've got the pundit blues. Now wait just a minute. No reason to
11:24sob. I'm different from the other pundits. I have a day job. Thank you very much.